Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye announced yesterday that he is joining the scores of people claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s daddy.
Other possible fathers include Michael Jackson, Scooter Libby, Bob Saget, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Treekiller sports editor Jerk Schmuckman.
“I know she would consider me the most upstanding man for this position,” Trachtenbye said from his Florida vacation home.
Trachtenbye said he and Smith initially met during his worldwide tour pleading with people to donate their life savings to the 52nd best university in the country at an event at Hugh Hefner’s play-pen.
Smith was first attracted to Trachtenbye because of his prowess with blue balls on the racquetball court, but was also drawn by his sexy back.
Known for having relations with old rich guys, Smith’s estate was valued at more than $294 million – which is both the average cost of GW students’ loans and the school’s endowment.
“I was trying to get a donation out of her, but instead I made a deposit,” Trachtenbye recalled.
Trachtenbye made his case for the job explaining in a press conference that he will be able to provide a mediocre education for the child in the future, line-cutting passes at Gelman Starbucks and a chauffeur.
Smith could not be reached for comment through phone or s?ance. However, daughter Danilynn Smith said, “He must be my daddy, I have his body.”
The news came as a shock to many members of the GW community, including Frannalicious Zoo Trachtenbye. “As long as my husband is out making deposits, this bank is closed,” she said in response to accusations of his infidelity.
GW students can expect to see an increase in tuition to cover the expected legal fees.
“As a private institution of the bestest-esteemed learning ever, we need to support our leader who provides and charges so much of us,” said Louis “Scooter” Meoww, official keeper of the cash-money.
The results of the paternity test will be released sometime before this Passover’s first seder, which is sponsored by Trim Spa.