April Fool’s Issue: SJT can’t bear to let go

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

After leaving the presidency April 1, Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye decided against taking a year off, choosing instead to vie for a park bench with Old Man Schenley.

Sources close to the at-one-point-outgoing leader said he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving GW, where he has ruled with an iron fist since the mid-1920s. So he decided to move into the residence hall bearing the name of the geriatric man who lives there.

That’s where the problem lies, many Schenley residents say.

“Old Man Schenley has had his sunbathing spot on that goddamn park bench since Kennedy was working down the road,” sophomore Maya Commodations Blowe said. “That crotchety old dude is never going to give it up, let alone for an even crotchetier and uglier dude.”

Trachtenbye is very intent on rooming with the underclassmen and sitting outside, topless. Although he wouldn’t speak directly on potential legal action, the president alluded to a possible eviction of Old Man Schenley.

He said it wouldn’t be beyond the scope of his position to have the Undersized Penis Department conduct administrative searches in certain rooms.

“Who knows what contraband may lurk in his sock drawer?” Trachtenbye said of Old Man Schenley’s armoire. “With freshmen shipping pounds of drugs to each other in the postal system, it’s not unreasonable to assume some of our older residents are doing the same thing.”

In an interview with The GW Treekiller, Old Man Schenley said that not counting medicinal marijuana for his glaucoma, he has no inappropriate possessions in his room. He explained that his sole belongings include three pairs of tighty-whities, a pair of gym shorts from the ’70s, a rotary telephone, a squirrel named “Frannie Zorn” and six blue Resnet pens.

Not even Trachtenbye would be able to take away his lifestyle, he said.

“I’m just a little old man!” Old Man Schenley exclaimed, while gently massaging Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil onto his chest. “Can’t he pick on someone his own size? Gee golly, that humongous hippo is just across the street. That seems like a more fair fight.”

When asked what Trachtenbye’s motivation was for fighting to be so close to the center of campus, he began recounting a story about a trip to Shanghai, in which the diplomatic attach? at the American consul was a GW alumnus from the Elliott School who wanted to follow in the footsteps of Henry Kissinger.

After going off on several more tangents, Trachtenbye declined to comment. He said his attorneys and media relations officials would “castrate the shit out of me” if they knew he was even speaking to The GW Treekiller.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.