Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
With an ever-worsening situation in Iraq, U.S. and Iraqi government officials have turned to a desperate option and placed GW’s Stickupyourass Association Senate in charge of governing the war-torn nation.
The SA deployed its senators to Baghdad last week to assume their leadership role, following a decision by the father of Sen. P. Rick Head (CCAS-U), a senior. Government officials expressed mild concerns over placing the precarious fate of a nation in the hands of college students, but as one Bush administration official put it, “We really have got no other shit on the shelf.”
“We have the tools necessary to improve this nation in crisis,” Head said. “Our distinguished record serving the GW community uniquely suits us to this new role on the forefront of democracy.”
Head added that since SA senators represent the elite of the nation’s most politically active University, they are best qualified to intervene in Iraq.
During its first weeks in charge, the SA, which has since renamed itself the Industrialized and Democratic Iraq Objective Teams (IDIOTs), replaced all U.S. troop convoys with a bus service. The shuttles also offer free trips to the Baghdad Airport around holidays and end of tour duties.
Soldiers must reserve a spot on the so-called “Bombardment Bus,” two months in advance to take advantage of a service intended to prevent attacks from roadside bombs by driving through the desolate parts of Iraq where nobody cares to go.
“This service will no doubt help save the lives of countless servicemen and women by avoiding the major cities and towns where the insurgents are,” said Sen. James Airhead (ESIA-U), a sophomore. He added that the IDIOTs are beating the terrorists at their own game.
“Yea, it would be great if the bus actually took us somewhere else besides the middle of the desert,” said Army Col. Chuck Badass. “And then after the ride some scrawny neoconservative prick who has never held a gun in his life tells me how much he ‘values my sacrifice.’ What a crock of shit.”
Analysts speculated that placing more than 30 egotistical students with no political experience in charge of Iraq would spell even more chaos for the embattled nation; however, violent attacks have actually dropped since the power shift.
“We had all our martyrs placed outside the location of their meeting to bomb them, but they kept debating about whether their constitution allows for one senator to debate multiple issues while on the floor discussing an amendment to a resolution,” said Durka Durka Mohamed Jihad, a terrorist. “We just fell asleep and haven’t been out since.”
Other terrorists have also concentrated their aggression on the IDIOTs, whom some insurgents have labeled “even more incompetent than the great satan Bush warlord.”
As the IDIOTs have become a magnet for the still-remaining terrorist hostility, Iraqis have welcomed a temporary end to the violence.
“This is such a wonderful blessing for us!” said Dontblow Meup, a shopkeeper in Tikrit. “This hated bunch of morons have made Iraq safe for the rest of us.”
In the end, it appears as if the IDIOTs are happy, so long as people are content with their results.
“It’s really about us. Only we are enlightened enough to solve the worlds biggest problems, and then have enough time for a West Wing marathon,” junior Sen. P.R. Toole (CCAS-G) said. “We only have one thing to say to the brave men and women in Iraq: ‘You’re welcome.'”