Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The music, theater and freshman communities were shaken by tragedy this weekend when a vital shipment of marijuana was disrupted.
At about 11 p.m. Saturday, more than 40 half-pound parcels of cannabis rained down on Potomac House, more commonly known as “Pot House.” The labels of each package clearly listed the name of the alleged recipient, freshman Blazed N. Soretarded, a resident of the dormitory for people with an interest in the arts.
Undersized Penis Department Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said federal and CIA operatives already had the situation under control when UPD patrolmen arrived three hours later.
“We were too busy busting cake parties to bother with the air lift of drugs from Colombia,” Mullethead said. “The CIA called us to say they’d be arresting and I told them good-riddance. The kid is an idiot anyway; I mean who gets grass sent to them via air lift?”
In a surprise mid-day operation, the U.S. Secret Service left the Mitchell Hall 7-11 to shoot down the Cessna Model 128 Skylanes, which released the pot packages over Foggy Bottom.
The joint military-federal agent taskforce launched a strike against Pot House, trying to seize the building and the drug-dealers. Despite prolonged water sanctions against the residence hall, the high freshmen flatly refused to leave. In a text message interview with a hostage inside Pot House, The Treekiller learned that the finally opened food venue Slicings provided unlimited munchies for the stoned bandits.
“These blazed 18-year-olds garbed in hot-green Lacoste attire just wouldn’t let us go,” said a hostage, who declined to give her name. “When the Navy SEALS came and tackled all those preppy douchebags, I knew I would be safe. Someone from the University Mental Center even approached us hostages, but he kept asking for money and saying we had to walk a dozen blocks to get to his office.”
After discovering the stash – said to be the finest crop of internationally grown buds, in like, years – Mullethead ordered the destruction of the narcotic. The cheapest and most effective way to never see the marijuana again was to have it shipped to Mail and Package Services.
As of press time, it was not known exactly what kind of product was destroyed. Reports indicate a possibility of Hawaiian Gold or Dutch Haze, or perhaps the highly-coveted, hard-to-find, Blueberry Yum-Yum – the winner of the 2004 High Times magazine award.
Groggy Hash, president of the Narly Organization for the Reefer-Mary Jane Lover, said the federal government and University’s actions were over-the-top.
“It’s one thing to kick off-campus the progressive thinkers who explore the world though weed. But it’s quite another to just get rid of all that sweet herb,” said Hash, who has been president of NORML for his past seven years as a GW undergraduate. “It’s just soooo unfair.”
-Doofus Condescending contributed some of his dressing onto this report.