April Fool’s Issue: Only a few months left to fuck

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Senior guys: imagine your life in a few months – going on dates, pretending to respect girls you meet at work and at bars and having a lot less sex. Girls: you’ll have a similar predicament. No longer will you be able to fuck any guy just because you’re both sloshed at a party and you knew he would go down on you first. You’ll actually start worrying about a hook-ups’ wealth potential instead of his potential to lick your pink taco before doing you doggy style. Graduation is quickly approaching, and that means that both sexes are going to go on a wild rampage trying to put as many dicks in as many holes before walking across that aisle and accepting a worthless international affairs degree that is guaranteed to net you a below-$30,000 salary next year.

Post-graduation life just isn’t going to be as orgasmic for either sex. After four years of Halloweens and Greek-life costume parties where every girl on campus managed to let us peek at her tits and camel-toe in public, it’s hard to imagine that any of these girls will gain a sense of self-esteem. Unfortunately, they start to think that just because they have a “degree” and a “job,” that somehow makes them qualified to go on dates rather than just fucking random dudes who bought them a pitcher at the Exchange. That’s exactly why guys need to be getting their shit wet every chance they get before it’s over – because I guarantee that stick’s going to be a lot dryer in the real world.

And, while GW girls might be looking forward to a life of self-respect, dates and actual relationships after college, most of them are going to realize that without the booze, the parties and the slutty costumes, most guys just aren’t going to pay that much attention to them. After their first month of self-respect, they will start to miss giving blowjobs and long for the good old days when a guy would go down on them in the laundry room of Thurston Hall, or when they could ask their neighbor for a quickie because the guy they actually liked fell asleep with whiskey dick.

So, how can we make the most out of these waning days of prime-time pussy and penis? The key is to go at it like it’s your job. Let’s face it, you really don’t care about your classes, you’re not going to write that paper until the night before. Why not extend your sex-time into other, more non-traditional hours?

First off, add Wednesday nights to your repertoire. The hump day that is considered to be the final homework night before the weekend could be turned into a true hump day with a little more effort on your part. Then, add in some morning sex. Get your hook-ups to spend the night. Even though it’s going to look like you are trying to turn a one-nighter into something more, a morning fuck is a sure way to double your productivity in this department before graduation.

You must also remember, however, not only are there only a few months left to fuck, but there are also only a few months left to do all the weird ass play and kinky sex maneuvers you’ve wanted to try ever since, as a pre-frosh, you saw the GW slut fucking her ex-boyfriend on YouTube. So, don’t just limit your adventures to the mundane. Seniors – get out there and get fucking, before it’s too late.

-The writer, a senior who cuts classes just to fuck, is considering failing a couple just to try this again next year.

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