Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The Hatchet’s “We’re Right, You’re Stupid” board often comes under fire for being overly critical and harsh on a variety of individuals and groups. While we usually respond to our critics by telling them to go fuck themselves, the board considered a more nuanced reaction to our perceived negativity.
As such, we will take this opportunity to point out the positive traits of those persons or entities that are left embarrassed, humbled and thoroughly schooled after our on-the-spot editorials. After all, they do deserve some credit for having been considered worthy to be written about on our page.
The Undersized Penis Department – We really appreciate it when your officers turn a blind eye to the ungodly amounts of alcohol that seep into underclassman dorms. Surely, anyone with half a brain would realize that there is a limit to the number of freshmen returning from the airport with heavy duffel bags on a Friday night.
The Stickitupyourass Association – If it weren’t for this pillar of competent leadership, The Hatchet would be forced to fill its pages with stories about people who actually matter doing things that are actually important. Instead we get to talk about free condoms, airport shuttle buses, pointless meetings and sexual assault.
Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye – It is truly wonderful that you are leaving GW to help the world find a way to charge $4 for a single photocopy. For the record, most people never really listened to any of your mind-numbing stories. They were just looking at your ever-changing arsenal of goofy hats.
Snarl Sobbs – Thanks for making sure that all of the members of this year’s men’s basketball team attended high school. Next year you should build a team that can actually play as well as a bunch of high school students.
Department of Shanty Towns and Squalid Living – Without your overpriced, undersized, over-policed and all-around shitty housing, most students would never feel the need to live in off-campus apartments. Now we all realize that not only is it cheaper, but we can also smoke pot in the living room without consequence. Goodbye bathroom sessions with a toweled door!
Marvin Center workers – Every time we buy a sandwich from you, it reminds us why it is important to get a degree – any degree. We promise to look the other way the next time you blow a snot rocket into a spicy chicken sandwich.
GW Girls – As a result of your revealing tight pants, even a boring history class is turned into Anatomy 101. Your ridiculously huge sunglasses also provide a useful replacement to our bathroom mirrors in the morning. Thanks for taking care of your appearance – because your personality certainly wouldn’t make up for it otherwise.
Foggy Bottom residents – When I urinate on your townhouse on the way back from McFaddens, it wouldn’t give me nearly as much joy if I didn’t know you are dangerously decrepit and cranky as shit. We’ll take your hearing loss as an excuse to yell louder on the weekends.
Incoming President Sheepish Sleep – Just wait until April 1, 2008 … you’re fucked.