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The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Officials name senior vice president, chief of staff
By Fiona Riley, Assistant News Editor • March 26, 2024

April Fool’s Issue: MC Rove signs to Def Jam

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

MC Rove, n?e Karl Rove, signed to Def Jam Records yesterday, announced label president Shawn Carter, better known as Jay-Z. The move ends weeks of speculation that the Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush was looking for a career change in light of recent White House scandals. The budding rapper’s debut, “Thug Life Svengali,” is due out this fall, and the album release will coincide with a tour with fellow Def Jam artists Rick Ross and Fabolous.

The move follows Rove’s star-making performance at last week’s Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, which found the former political consultant rocking the mic and wowing the most powerful people in Washington. “He spit hot fire,” said President Bush, adding that though he prefers Houston-style chopped-and-screwed rap, he could get behind Rove’s more Queensbridge sound.

Despite his blistering performance and unparalleled word-play skills, some might question the logic of signing such a rap game novice to the most storied label in hip-hop history. Carter’s not worried, though.

“Homie’s eminently qualified,” the rapper/executive insists. “Hip-hop is often maligned for perpetuating an image of violence, especially in the black community. While that may be unfair, I’m not complaining too much, because it sells records. I’m not hard enough to project that image – I’m 37 and spend most of my time shooting Budweiser commercials now. MC Rove, though, he’s got cred. Nobody’s been responsible for more people dying in the past six years than him. Forget bitches beefing on Hot 97. Now Iraq – that shit is gangsta. Besides, he’s already better than Cam’ron.”

In a related development, MC Rove confirmed to label-mate Kanye West that President Bush indeed does not care about black people.

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