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The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Officials name senior vice president, chief of staff
By Fiona Riley, Assistant News Editor • March 26, 2024

April Fool’s Issue: Lady Colonials dominate against men

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Billy Jean King was proud when the GW women’s basketball team defeated the men’s squad 77- 45 Saturday afternoon in front of a sold-out Smith Center.

King, who is known for her victory over Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes in 1973, called junior Slim Neck after seeing the lady Colonials’ run to the Sweet 16 and the men’s brutal ousting in the first round of their respective 2007 NCAA tournaments.

“She called me and said, ‘You guys made it to the third round and lost to one of the top teams in the country. The guys got pummeled. You should take them on,'” Neck said. “So I rounded up my squad and called (senior Can’t Lead-it) and told him that my team wanted to challenge his to a game.”

Neck said Lead-it was hesitant at first, acknowledging just how good the women’s team is, but agreed to it after he spoke to his teammates.

“We ain’t gonna back down from a challenge,” one of Lead-it’s court mates said. “They’re just a bunch of girls.”

The women handed the men their worst defeat since … the NCAA tournament. Saturday’s co-ed game attracted approximately 4,895 more people than typically go to a regular-season women’s game. The Smith Center holds 5,000 people.

Neck, a finalist for the Nancy Lieberman award, which honors the nation’s top female point guard, was a perfect 8-for-8 from behind the arc, ending the game with 30 points.

“I just couldn’t block her,” Lead-it said. “I’m embarrassed.”

Lead-it shot a pathetic 0-for-12 with just one point, which came from the conversion of a free throw after senior Keepin’ 4.0 fouled him with 10 seconds remaining.

“As a fellow senior, I felt I couldn’t let Can’t Lead-it’s last game end without him scoring a point,” 4.0 said while chuckling.

4.0, who thought her team’s loss to North Carolina in the Sweet 16 was the end of her collegiate career, had 17 points and 100 rebounds. She said it completely erased all her sadness from the loss a week ago.

“Who cares if we lost to a really good women’s team? We beat the men! Hell yea!” 4.0 said.

Women’s czar Shmoe McKneehurt said he’s proud of his team and can’t wait to use the prize to begin work on an extension to the Smith Center.

“Really, I’m doing the guys a favor,” McKneehurt said. “Unlike my team, which can get top teams to come to Foggy Bottom because we’re a respected squad, our other half needs the best facilities if it hopes to get even mediocre opponents in Washington.”

Men’s babysitter Snarl Sobbs warned his squad about accepting the challenge and said that he has spoken to Director Smokey Vance about adding the women to his team’s out-of-conference schedule next season.

“It’ll raise our RPI,” he said.

Despite the girls’ reign of terror over the men’s team, several spectators seemed not to notice. Never having seen women play basketball in Smith Center, some students only recognized when a member of the men’s Colonials squad scored a point.

“Wait, wait – the men didn’t win? Well, whatever, I guess the women are good. But did you see that dunk Dokun Akwardbody made?” Mega Men’sFan said.

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