Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty.
The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in legal fees for the administration.
“It is a stated policy of the University not to hire professors for part-time positions,” said Vice President Doofus Lectureman. “Students, if you see a well-dressed man or woman grading papers or holding office hours in Rome Hall, you need to contact UPD immediately.”
Classes will be taught by a group of 15 full-time professors. Officials could not confirm that students will learn anything related to their majors.
With the elimination of part-time faculty, Lectureman encouraged students to educate themselves and turn to other means to get an education, but continued to remind students to make all tuition checks payable to GW.
A recent study showed that students learn the most from that homeless guy on 23rd street who’s sign states “The End is near: Diabetic, ‘Nam Vet, please give.”
Officials declined to comment where the payment for these non-persons will go, but said it probably will not be put toward student services and academics. Other listed possibilities include plastic surgery for top administrators or an organized trip for those in Wheat Hall to D.C.’s finest strip establishments.
Many part-time professors have vocally said they are still part of the GW community.
“Jesus, I’ve been teaching here for 20 goddamn years as an adjunct and I’m pretty sure I fucking exist,” said music professor Kissme Lola. “Just last week I appeared in Vice President Rawbot Cheapass’ office to beg for any paying position – even his tailor or jewelry cleaner. I’m not entirely sure what he said in that grating Boston accent of his, but he certainly knew that I was a part-time professor.”
Cheapass was too busy discussing the men’s basketball program and reading blog posts on G-DubNets.com, and could not be reached for comment.
Art professor Hippie McHemp also protested the University’s decision.
“We’re not asking for much,” he said. “We just want living wages, health care plans and an acknowledgement that we are composed of organic matter within the space-time continuum. Is that too much too ask?”
“Yes, it is,” retorted GW Director of Propaganda Terry Schiavo.