Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
It may be filled with patients with gruesome diseases and severe colds, but the GW Hospital will be the hottest new place for students to live next year.
University officials announced last week that 600 beds will be added within the medical facility to accommodate members of the class of 2011 starting next fall. This move comes after a pilot program initiated last February that moved 200 freshmen from Thurston Hall into the hospital’s detox unit.
“We figured that with an increasing number of students getting drunk and requiring costly ambulance trips to the ER, we might as well just cut out the middle-man and put freshmen where they want to be,” said Sadistic Whineyberg, director of Shanty towns and squalid living.
Eligibility for the new rooms, which will feature wireless Internet, fold-down Beirut tables and in-floor drains to absorb vomit, will be based on a “party index” used to determine how likely a student is to require hospitalization.
“We look at how rich and popular an incoming student is – whether they hook up on a regular basis – whether they toke, etc. Basically, anything that indicates that this individual will be accepted by the over-privileged and upper-class demographic at GW,” Whineyberg said. “If someone went to Cancun for spring break, that would definitely be a plus.”
One student living in the hospital through the pilot program said he “totally digs” his new accommodations.
While most of The Treekiller’s interview with him was incomprehensible due to his high level intoxication on a Tuesday afternoon, he mentioned that his new room is generally a positive change for him.
“Yea … man … it’s awesome … Fuck the ambulance … I don’t need that shit. Fuck it man! Let’s get drunk!” said the student, who would only respond to his fraternity nickname, “The Upchucker.”
The Upchucker added, however, “Yo dude … sometimes it sucks though. My roommate has really bad glaucoma … he doesn’t even let me smoke his pot, he claims ‘he needs it’… what a downer.”
Other hospital patients have not responded well to the student influx. Many recovering from serious illnesses have complained about frequent yelling, loud music, broken glass on floors and vomit in the hallways.
“I just had major heart surgery. The last thing I need is to be woken up at 2 a.m. by some crazy college kids yelling ‘chug, chug, chug,'” patient Donald Finster said. “It doesn’t help that I’ve woken up with phallic marker drawings all over my face.”
Not all patients are upset about GW’s latest housing decision, however.
“I met some really special young men today – the future leaders of tomorrow – and they taught me a little something about letting it all hang out,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, a frequent visitor of the GW Hospital. “I thought Bush knew how to party back in the good old days, but these kids put him to shame.”
Cheney, who is metaphorically and ironically “a heartbeat away from the presidency,” has been treated at the hospital and outpatient center for about two dozen heart attacks. Though instructed by physicians to get lots of sleep, the 66-year-old is often seenroaming the halls, looking for room parties into the wee hours of the morning.
“At first I was scared because I saw Cheney standing at our door during a party at 3 a.m. and I thought he was going to shoot me in the face,” said Jen Ignoramus, a freshman who moved into the hospital recently. “But then he opened up a beer bottle between his eyebrow and cheek while yelling ‘party’ and I knew it would be okay.”