April Fool’s Issue: GW Blind Date: A huge shitshow

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Rebecca

We went to this Asian restaurant in Dupont called Sum Yung Poon Eatery. He was 40 minutes late. When he finally came in, we ordered. I ate some horse’s meat and he had monkey brains. The food was really good; mine had some creamy sauce on it that was a little salty, maybe bitter, but overall tasty. The meals were a little expensive though, about $75 per entr?e, but that’s okay, he’s paying for it.

He asked me what my wildest moments were and I didn’t really know what to tell him. I told him something one of my friends did, and then he started telling me about the threesome he had with his drunk ex-girlfriend and her roommate. And then I left the table to go to the bathroom and when I came back he was still talking.

I felt weird going alone; I didn’t know what to do. So I told my girlfriends where it was and they came to make it less awkward! Well, for me at least, hahahahhahha. He didn’t have a clue, we’re so slick like that. They helped out the most when I needed to go to the bathroom to fix my hair, it’s so nice to have someone to go to the bathroom with you, and even better when it’s your five best girlfriends.

He only wanted to talk about himself and how cool he is. He even tried to order beer but we got kicked out because he used his ridiculously fake ID.

Is that legal in a Hatchet blind date?! I pushed him away, he reeked of Natty! Then he actually had the nerve to ask me, “Hey you wanna get some beers later and chill?!” Plus, he was talking to my boobs the whole dinner, and after he tried to rape me, he smacked my ass, saying how awesome it was that I wasn’t wearing pants. Okay, my leggings cover up everything, dammit! Whatever, I can hook up with any other guy at another frat or club this weekend.

I’d give the date a D-. I won’t give it an F because he paid for my dinner. But really, Daddy could’ve taken care of it anyway.

Chad

She was fun to talk to. I told her about a lot of stuff, like my Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews collection, and my BMW at home. I asked her what her wildest experience was and she said something about shoplifting a Coach wallet. Lame! I told her a few of my stories; she was awed, I could tell.

I discovered that she was such a fucking girl! Since she knew where the blind date was she had sent out her stupid giggling posse to stake us out. I knew they were there, especially after they started passing each other and Rebecca notes the whole time.

I thought I’d impress the bitch by telling her I was 21. I mean I heard they all want older men, right? So I ordered some Sam Adams. I guess I offended them or something because they told me to get out.

I saw her and she wasn’t bad looking at all! Normal height, a little chunky but toned at the same time, white, brunette and a shit load of make-up, like a lot of girls at GW. Even her voice was a little naggy. And I showed up drunk cause my bros told me it was the cool thing to do. I guess maybe that’s why I tried to kiss her at the end. She let me smack her ass after we stopped.

I’d give the date an A+. Just because I know one more date with me and she won’t be able to resist giving it up.

Dater Bios

Name: Rebecca
Year: Freshman
Age: 19
Hometown: Westchester, N.Y.
Major: Exercise Science (“No food tastes as good as being skinny!”)

Name: Chad
Year: Junior
Age: 20
Hometown: Palm Beach, Fla.
Major: Women (“Because I love bitches!)

What is your ideal person of the opposite sex?
Rebecca: I like a man who has a lot of money, drugs and free time to spend with me. He has to be ridiculously hot so my girlfriends are jealous. And he has to have a car on campus so I can get as drunk as I want.

Chad: I like a girl who can smoke as much weed as me, and who knows how to have a good time. She has to be funny, not funny looking.

What is your ideal date?
Rebecca: Shopping in a mall all day and have him pay for everything. Then maybe if he takes all my girlfriends and me out to a bar and have him pay for our drinks that would be pretty awesome too. And then maybe we’ll do more than make out later.

Chad: A game of beer pong in my frat house and then maybe watch a football game and have her pack me a bowl and then give me head. Yeah. That’s tight.

“GW Blind Date” is a regular feature in the Life section. If you would like to be set up on a blind date with another GW student, e-mail getalife@gwtreekiller.com.

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