Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Due to a miscalculation in the University’s budget, administrators announced Friday that they will implement major cutbacks throughout the campus – getting rid of “all unnecessary luxuries.”

Students in Mitchell Hall Sunday night said that their doorknobs had all been replaced by IOU notes reading “Please don’t sue.” The notes were signed by Louis “Scooter” Meoww, executive vice president and cashman.

A similar budget gap forced officials to cut academic funding earlier this year.

A senior administrator related yesterday’s announcement to “a handful of feces hitting a gold-plated fan in Wheat Hall.” The official requested anonymity because she said she is the director of University Propaganda, and could lose her job for sharing her opinion.

In a statement released Sunday afternoon, Meoww wrote that he will personally uninstall all light bulbs on campus to reduce Pepco energy costs.

“Haven’t you idiots ever heard of the sun!” he yelled to students and hotdog vendors from his office on I Street. “If you need to read at night, then use your damn fridge lights.”

Sumju Ishguy, a sophomore, said he saw Meoww and University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye walking toward Southeast D.C. this morning dragging two sacks full of metal doorknobs and incandescent bulbs. Ishguy said he followed them to a local pawnshop, where they emerged carrying several gold bricks.

Vice President of Student Disservices Rawbot Cheapass spoke to reporters and students in his office this morning to explain the budget problems. After 15 minutes, most in attendance had fallen asleep while the official continued to explain “dee projected budgutarry suhpluses.”

-Cleric Groper