Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Coulda-been shoulda-been former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke at The Treekiller’s G Street office yesterday, chastising the staff for polluting the environment by printing 12,000 copies of a newspaper no one reads.
“Your paper just sits in the racks and in the stands and on the floor, and nobody bothers to pick it up. Let alone to read, no one even picks up this rag to recycle it,” Gore said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the earth’s temperature rises a good 5 degrees because of the oxygen the O-zone was deprived of by all the trees you killed.”
Gore continued on, referencing the piled-up stacks of papers in the Elliott School building at 1957 E Street as “Tornado Treekiller.” He said it is very lucky that they are always placed so close to the recycling bins.
“Sadly though, none of you even think about just pushing them into that little slit at the top of the recycling receptacles,” said Gore, who tried to force a tear out, but couldn’t find that human emotion.
Immediately after this comment was uttered, Junior Fiction Editor Boo In-the-Butt-ler, had to be restrained after he attempted to stab Gore with an origami newspaper knife, one of thousands he makes daily instead of editing. Senior Douchebag Jewlius Crouton had to restrain In-the-Butt-ler and lock him inside the staff mini-fridge.
While pacing around The Treekiller’s townhouse office, Gore took out the Academy Award he won for “An Inconvenient Truth: I Need This Publicity To Run For Office Again.” He then proceeded to polish Oscar’s head.
While stroking it, he said that GW’s only student newspaper should start printing on orange peels, as they decompose and have a light, citrus-y scent.
After a 20-minute rant following his orange peel comment, reality struck the former vice president. He realized he was in a cramped, messy townhouse in the middle of a college campus.
University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye walked into the office as Gore was exiting, and immediately praised the progressive activist for stopping by campus. Gore said that in exchange for mandating recycling in Gelman Library, he would agree to be this year’s Commencement speaker.
Trachtenbye flatly refused, exclaiming: “I’m the end-all, be-all of speakers at graduation. It’s my last Commencement and I’m looking forward to boring the shit out of all the graduates and their families. No one’s going to take that away from me – not even that Sheepish Sleep.”