April Fool’s Issue: Foggy Bottom geriatric protesters shut campus down

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Less than a day following the passage of GW’s Campass Plan, mostly geriatric protesters from Foggy Bottom turned the Cube 54 construction site into a sea of canes, walkers and empty Metamucil bottles.

Local residents, mostly allied with the Fighting and Bitching Association, have taken issue with the plan since last year. The proposal, which was passed by D.C.’s GW Construction Support Committee last week, calls for the immediate replacement of all homes in the Foggy Bottom area with 50-story-high skyscrapers.

The University said it has reached out to residents by offering them relocation space in various GW parking garages and a recently purchased airplane hanger near Dulles airport, but the mostly elderly population is still unhappy.

“Those whippersnaps think they can push us around, but they’ve got another thing coming. I’ve survived two world wars, the hippies and a hip replacement, so no punk businessmen are going to move me out of my home,” said Cornelius T. Liverthicket, a 147-year resident of Foggy Bottom. “Only my family members can do that.”

While some protesters such as Liverthicket have resorted to passive action by setting up lawn chairs in front of televisions showing non-stop episodes of “Murder She Wrote,” others have taken more extreme actions.

“After I’m all done using my Depends, I’ve been lighting them on fire and hurling them into Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye’s office,” said Finneas T. Crudmeyer, one of the dissidents. “We’ve tried using some of the other brands, but they don’t seem to burn as well.”

Still, some have resorted to more drastic measures. An original Ford Model-T was seen speeding down I Street the other day, while on fire with six cane-and walker-wielding geriatrics prepared to give their lives for the cause. An eyewitness saw the archaic vehicle plow into the Wheat Hall lobby, exploding in a plume of flames, dentures and hearing aids.

In an attempt to put an end to the violence, University officials deployed Old Man Schenley to the protest site to act as an ambassador to the disgruntled protesters. Unfortunately, his visit ended in tragedy when the angered crowd attacked him, covered him in birdseed and bread, and watched as he was ripped apart by a flock of rabid pigeons.

“Sending Old Man Schenley was just insulting, so we took care of the problem, ‘old school’ style,” as the kids say,” one protester said. “We spend half of our time with the birds in the area, and we know how to use them as effective weapons against some sunbathing, shirtless punk.”

Putting in place a flatbed truck filled with free Ensure also failed to lead the octogenarians to the bank of the Potomac.

Susan Mindfuck, a psychologist who specializes in death and dying, said that GW should dig in for the long haul with the angry citizens of Foggy Bottom.

“This group is especially dangerous, as they are unemployed and need something to keep busy with in between taking naps and medication. An opportunity to stand in the way of progress is what they would probably call, ‘jackpot,'” she said.

Mindfuck added that GW administrators might be able to take advantage of certain elderly individuals with dementia and memory loss by convincing them to turn against their fellow protesters.

But until then, the local residents have continued to hold their position on Cube 54, and it doesn’t indicate that they plan on leaving anytime soon.

“The AARP has promised to supply us, and there’s plenty of crankiness to last for a long time,” said Theodore P. Curmudgeon, a Civil War veteran. “We may have taken care of the Kaiser with our guns and tanks, but we will take care of GW with our walkers and Rascal scooters.”

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