Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
University officials announced that hip-hop artist and reality television show star Flava Flav will headline this year’s Commencement after receiving many complaints that a graduation speaker had not yet been publicized.
“This speech is gonna be delishish,” Flav said, amid the loud sound of a clock ticking around his neck.
University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye said that while the school typically looks for respected political and business leaders to speak, the school couldn’t find anyone else. Suggestions that Trachtenbye would be the speaker were met with harsh criticism from student-leaders, prompting the officials to contact Flav.
A resolution passed by the Stickupyour Ass Senate and signed by SA President Oh Boy called for more diversity in the speaker selection. The outgoing SA president, who has lobbied for money for blind students and magnum-size prophylactics in advising offices, said Trachtenbye would just not do.
“We need more than just that big white man to rant and rant,” Oh Boy said. “When I heard the University had taken our advice, I nearly fainted. The administration must’ve been really drawn to the big, giant clock around his neck.”
When asked what issues he planned to address in his speech, Flav responded by not really responding.
“I don’t know what to say. You know what I’m sayin’? For real.”
Flav may be best known for his appearance on VH1’s “The Surreal Life,” a reality show in which washed-up celebrities cohabitate in a house while being filmed. Probably the only person in history to fuel not one, but two reality show spin-offs, “Flavor of Love” and “I Love New York,” no one remembers how Flava Flav originally became famous.
-Bunny Buttfuck and Hairy Shithead