Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
With her divorce and subsequent mental breakdown, Britney Spears has officially become too sad of a case to make fun of.
“It’s like kicking a three-legged blind dog, or making fun of a retarded dwarf,” said one TreeKiller editor.
Long a staple of the TreeKiller’s snobbery section coverage, this year’s editors decided that it would be simply monstrous to poke fun at the newly-bald, divorcee single mother, overweight, talentless ex-pop star, whose recent antics have included shaving her head, attacking a paparazzo’s car with an umbrella handle, and entering the Wonderland rehab facility, where news outlets reported that the starlet hooked up with other patients.
“She’s pretty much too bat-shit crazy to touch now. She’s a comedic no-fly zone,” said a writer for Saturday Night Lame, a once-popular sketch comedy show. “It’s like telling one too many Helen Keller jokes.”
Late-night comedians have banded together to institute a moratorium on Spears jokes, citing the starlet’s pathetic life and the well-being of her children, Jayden James (5 months) and Sean Preston (17 months) in the midst of her divorce and custody proceedings.
“I mean, really. Those kids are fucked-up enough already. The least we can do is not point out how their mom is bald, unstable and subsists on a steady diet of Cheetos and gin,” said one comedian. “They’ll hear enough about it on the playground in a few years, anyway. If she lives that long.”
Some still believe that Spears can pull off a comeback and return to her post-adolescent pop glory, as well as the world of mean-spirited satire.
“I mean, if she diets off those saddlebags, stops wearing wigs that look like they came from a Halloween costume store, puts on some panties, stops dating K-Fed look-alikes, doesn’t write any more weird depressing poems on her Web site, and lays off the booze for a little while, we can go back to making fun of her for the stuff that we always did, like her insipid and overproduced music,” said the comedian.
