Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

If you have $5

You probably shouldn’t be at GW. Seriously, you’ve only got $5 to spend? God, what’s wrong with you? My parents are so much richer than yours. Go to your work-study job, peasant. No, you know what, come back here. I’ve never actually seen a poor person before, I want to get a good look at the sort of people I’ll be oppressing once I get out of here with my business degree. Oh God, is that shirt from the Gap? You know what? Fuck you.

If you have $10

Buy a handle of Zelko, give it to your underage roommate who doesn’t go out that much, and enjoy a modern art extravaganza. Start out with a concert comprised entirely on off-key Bon Jovi songs (because your roommate is definitely from New Jersey), move on to explore the Pollock-like abstract expressionism of the speckled vomit decorating your walls, and end it all with a bit of theatre of the absurd as you watch your roommate try to explain to the UPD officer you called on him what he’s doing outside and pantless.

If you have $20

Go to U Street and go hear some live music. What live music you hear doesn’t really matter all that much. What matters is that you get that little stamp on your hand so people will ask you who you saw and then you can tell them and look all cultured and shit. And come on, looking all cultured and shit is the only reason you’re reading this column, as no one who actually liked art would look to a once-a-week infographic for advice.