Nearing the commencement of her fourth year in college, Eve has learned quite a few things about sex. Eve, The Hatchet’s anonymous sex columnist, will share her observations and (sometimes dirty) thoughts about sex at GW with the population that fuels her fire.

Editor’s note: names have been changed to protect the naughty.

Since we started soliciting questions, I have been getting some fabulously interesting ones, but also some terribly offensive ones.

Listen, folks, I am a sex columnist, and I know that phrases like “jizz juice” and “donkey punch” come with the territory. But I am not a smelly pirate whore, so whoever you are who anonymously sent me the note about how much you “love to make your girlfriend get on her knees three times a day. I love to make her feel submissive, like she’s nothing,” you are writing to the wrong girl. I love sex, and I love kink, but I love people, too. Get it right or cut it off.

And now, some genuinely interesting questions from some super sexy GW nymphets.

Dear Eve,

What are some fun games to play with my boyfriend to keep things interesting and spontaneous?

-Bored on My Back

How wonderful that you should ask this question now, as Pink and I just played a marvelous game that was not only sexy but also intellectually stimulating. Called “Alphabet Sex,” you are supposed to sit with your partner, as naked as possible, and go through the alphabet. Starting with the letter “A,” pick a part of his body that begins with “A” and kiss, lick or bite it. Some tame examples are apples of the cheeks, ankles, and abdomen. Some more randy examples are areola, ass . you get the picture. My suggestion is to start simple and work your way to the naughtier. P is about three-quarters through the alphabet, and should benefit both male and female greatly.

The more creative you get with this game, the better it is. For “Q,” Pink looked confused for a minute, then kissed my forehead.

“Forehead starts with F,” I said.

“I know,” Pink smiled. “I was kissing your ‘quick wit.'”

Let’s just say we did not make it to Z.

Dear Eve,

Do girls notice when guys have hard-ons as much as we notice when their nipples are hard?

-Can’t Stand Up After Class in a Chilly Room

Not even close. Nipples are not called “headlights” for no reason: they are bright and obvious. We can’t sit down and hide our nipples. We can’t put a notebook over our nipples. We can’t tuck our nipples under our belt (which is a very clever move, you sly boots). The penis, though much larger (in most cases) than any nipple, is much more easily concealed.

Obviously, when we are pressed against you, we can feel your erection quite distinctly. This is a good thing if we have decided to lie down in a bed with you or let you press us up against a wall and kiss us like you haven’t kissed in years. This is a bad thing if you are a stranger in a club or at a bar. Note the distinction.

Dear Eve,

How do I know if I’m in love?

-Butterflies in My Stomach

You know. You know because you’d rather be with that person than eat ice cream. You know because every song, even “Happy Birthday,” makes you feel amorous. You know because you cannot remember what your lips did before kissing. You know because everything about that person seems adorable, right down to his hairy arms or her chipped nail polish. You know because you do not have to ask.

Have a sex question you want answered? Send your sex-queries to [email protected].