Sex column: “The do’s and don’ts of getting some this year”

Nearing the commencement of her fourth year in college, Eve has learned quite a few things about sex. Eve, The Hatchet’s anonymous sex columnist, will share her observations and (sometimes dirty) thoughts about sex at GW with the population that fuels her fire.

Editor’s note: names have been changed to protect the naughty.

After advertising last week for your questions, I received quite a few interesting inquiries this week. From the creepy (bleeding gums and biting your lover’s toenails) to the lame (how do I sneak out in the morning?), I was shocked and intrigued with every one.

But, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to try to answer the ones I think most benefit the general GW population. And remember, anyone is happy to feel loved on Feb. 14, even if you bite his toenails or sneak out the next morning.

Question 1: Can I give a guy a blowjob if I have strep throat? Since I’m on antibiotics for it, my birth control isn’t working and I want to do something.

– Sore but Sexy in Ivory Tower

Let me preface this by saying that you can do whatever you want. But now I’m going to do everything in my power to talk you out of performing this disgusting, slimy, swollen debacle of oral sex. Strep throat in grown-ups is often characterized by a high fever, difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, and a pus-like coating over the tonsils. For starters, you probably are not able to breathe out your nose when you have strep, so you might pass out during the act. Everybody loves a half-finished blow job and an unconscious chick.

Second of all, you have pus on your tonsils. That pus is what makes your throat burn. When it interacts with semen (which it will do even if you do not let him finish in your mouth, hell-O, pre-cum?), it will feel like his penis just shot fire into your throat. Sexy.

And third, poorly treated strep throat can lead to a myriad of diseases. Even on antibiotics, stressing out your throat when you have strep can lead to rheumatic fever. Rheumatic fever is a disease from, like, the Oregon Trail that causes damage to your heart valves and can kill you. Do you really want your gravestone to read “Here Lies Sore and Horny, Who Could Not Wait Until the Pus Cleared from Her Throat to Give Head. Now She’s Dead.”

So, like I said, do whatever you want. But giving head when you have strep throat is gross. And you’ll die.

Question 2: What is the protocol for hitting on someone in the Metro? Is it creepy?

-Trying to Get a Date Between Metro Center and Dupont Circle

I think that the Metro is a prime place for lusty looks and accidental hand-brushes. It is also unexpected, which can be exciting and kind of negates the creepy factor. In bars or at parties, people are drunk and it’s dark so it is automatically assumed that libidinous young co-eds will be making business deals. But the Metro, well-lit and bustling with activity, is a sweet and sexy place to meet someone. If you do it correctly. For starters, make sure that there is adequate time between the stop you’re at and the stop you have to get off to get the person’s number and leave a good impression, and that there isn’t so much time that conversation becomes drawn-out and trite.

Some excellent tactics: if the person appears to be dressed for work or an internship, ask where he/she works and tell them how fascinating you find the Department of Agriculture/file room at The Post/ESPN Zone. Questions like this strike the right balance between observant but not stalker-ish. For example, do not ask for the address where he/she works or his/her usual hours.

And, of course, there is always the sexiest question a person can ever ask a stranger: “Have we met somewhere before?” It lends itself to movie-style romance, the best way to start any affair. Even if you’ve never seen this person before in your life, you want to see him/her again, and acting as though his/her face triggers a romantic memory will always ensure at least a smile and a longing gaze. It’s so Bogey and Bacall, so An Affair to Remember, so SEXY.

So if you do not have a Valentine yet this year, maybe hop on the Metro and see if someone strikes your fancy. For all you know, he or she works at your favorite restaurant or really has met you somewhere before … and maybe, just maybe, wants to be your Valentine.

Have a sex question you want answered? Send your sex-queries to eve@gwhatchet.com.

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