Under the covers: “Turn your iTunes on, to get him off”

Nearing the commencement of her fourth year in college, Eve has learned quite a few things about sex. Eve, The Hatchet’s anonymous sex columnist, will share her observations and (sometimes dirty) thoughts about sex at GW with the population that fuels her fire.

Editor’s note: names have been changed to protect the naughty.

Seduction, like any other art, is not easily mastered. A truly great seduction sequence must be original, sincere and, of course, sexy.

It has become harder and harder in our media-saturated culture to come up with truly convincing, and truly enticing, methods of seduction. After watching perfectly planned movie and television seductions, or dousing ourselves in a the vat of acid trashiness that is reality television, getting someone hot under the collar seems impossible without the aid of a hot tub, designer knickers and enough liquor to knock out an army.

But we falter. We forget. There is a way to get into someone’s pants that truly cannot fail. Although it must be executed exactly right, and done without hesitation or pretense, this seduction technique promises to always deliver your package right to her doorstep..

And no, that special delivery is not your dick in a box (thank you, Saturday Night Live). It’s a playlist of super seductive songs that let your lover (or soon-to-be lover) know you mean business.

We all have iPods. We all have libidos. Let us combine the two to work for our benefit.

The following is the perfect playlist, as I see it, to have playing when your intentions are less than noble. I assure you that this method of seduction has never, ever failed. I have used it and had it used against me. The playlist is a powerful thing. And remember, with great power comes great responsibility. So, before we begin, a few caveats.

Number one: Don’t make the music the focus of the evening. It should be on in the background, with the occasional hum along or comment about how much you love the way you can feel the bass pulsing all over your body.

Number two: You and your lover should be alone. Do not put this mix in at a party, a gathering, or in the car with his/her parents. It won’t work.

Number three: The order of the songs is important. You wouldn’t suck on someone’s toes before taking off their shoes, so don’t play Marvin Gaye before Nina Simone. It’s simple math. Some low-key rap multiplied by dirty lyrics plus a little Etta James equals party in your pants.

Now you’re ready. I warn you, if you listen to this playlist alone, you will get a boner. Even if you’re a girl. So you should try to make sure that your lust-muffin is accessible, preferably in your room. Casually lean over and press play on your pre-arranged playlist, like it just happened to be the next thing on your iTunes. Like you wake up looking that good. Like your legs are naturally hairless.

Okay, the first song on the mix should be Nina Simone’s classic stick-it-in-me anthem “Sugar in my Bowl.” Desperate and dirty without being vulgar, this song could make the Sahara wet.

Now that things are subtly warmed up, turn the heat on full blast with the ultimate get-it-on song, “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye. This song is, of course, interchangeable with Marvin Gaye’s equally randy “Let’s Get It On,” or pretty much anything Marvin Gaye ever sang. It’s all deadly.

Heart rates are up, so it’s time for the tempo to increase. Throw a little Rufus Wainwright on the fire, specifically the “Greek Song” which is essentially all about how turned on he is. By the end of this song you’ll definitely be naked.

Now you need a real beat, and a real tempo increase. Like most songs, sex has a great rhythm and pattern: verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, bridge, climax, chorus . so a great song to reach that bridge/climax point is Lauryn Hill’s version of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” My friend Brown claims that hip hop and soul make him uncomfortable in the bedroom, but I assure you that the late placement of this song ensures maximum pleasure and minimum awkwardness.

Hopefully, by now, you will have reached your own climax and it’s time for a post-coital cigarette. But, for better health, have these equivalently satisfying songs ready: “Melt Your Heart” by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, “Besame Mucho” by Cesaria Evora, and, of course, “At Last” by Etta James.

So, my sex-crazed but sensuality-deprived co-eds, put those iTunes holiday gift certificates to good use. And while I am fully confident in the potency of this particular mix, do let me know if this helps you do the horizontal tango.

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