“This is the greatest day of my life. I’m in a gym,” said Jerry Seinfeld, true to brutally sarcastic form as headliner for Colonials Weekend at the Smith Center last Friday. In between sold-out shows scheduled for 7 and 10 p.m., The Hatchet spoke to Seinfeld, experiencing his bluntness first-hand.

Topics in Seinfeld’s sketch segued from puns on the news, prescription drugs, his mother, American laziness, being a father and married life – and aside from a few remarks, Seinfeld was typical in straying away from politically loaded comedy.

But, on a red-and-blue-charged campus in the nation’s capital, he planned the appropriate icebreaker.

“Iraq seems to be going smoothly,” he said.

He went further to note the irony of government’s inability to catch terrorists while news outlets continue to reveal footage of insurgents “training on monkey bars.”

“Has there ever been a war that was best advanced on a children’s playground?” he asked, audience laughter erupting when Seinfeld suggested having overweight American youths sit on a seesaw to combat “skinny terrorists.”

Seinfeld mentioned his dressing room at GW – what he said was a gym locker room. From there, he moved to a meaty cultural criticism on the gym trend and people’s lack of physical activity.

“The human body looks appropriate seated – no one wants to get out of a chair,” he said.

Annoyed at repeatedly being asked what he’s been up to since his show, a legendary success, he made things clear.

“I’ll tell you what I do – nothing,” he said to an audience hanging on his every word, some in floor seats that cost up to $125 dollars.

Now married with three children, Seinfeld spoke of the shift from his 25-year experience with the dating scene – though failing to mention his reported relationship with a once-GW student now-married fashion designer.

Talk of his married life and parenting was a crowd-pleaser, and something the comedian saved for last in a discussion of males and females in relationships.

“I thought it was marriage, apparently it’s a musical,” said Seinfeld, noting that every day of being married will involve discussion of the tone of his voice.

This talk of “tone” was a sell with the audience, even prompting laughs from the University President Stephen Joel Trachtenberg, who gathered with VIPs in the basement of the Smith Center after the show for a meet-and-greet with a less-than-enthusiastic Seinfeld.

“I know what he means by tone of voice,” said Trachtenberg, saying he was entertained by Seinfeld’s bit on marriage.

Known for being annoyed with stupid questions from reporters, Seinfeld didn’t answer longer-winded questions, or which of his 47 Porsches is his favorite – a question he called “too ephemeral.”

“I hate when reporters ask you to talk about your next project,” Seinfeld said.

When asked if he would ever consider making an appearance on HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” Seinfeld said he wouldn’t oppose it if Larry David asked him.

He provided insight on how he connects with the audience.

“I do it by experimentation. You have a sense of what other people are thinking,” said Seinfeld, using an example from the show about the uncomfortable nature of public restroom stalls.

Apparently feeling a good connection, he allowed the audience to ask a few questions immediately following his routine while he remained onstage.

Summing up how he got into comedy, Seinfeld was dead-pan, saying when he was younger, “everyone was funny, then after school everyone went off and got jobs.”

He said: “I just kept being funny.”