Brendan Polmer: Profiles of the new freshman class

I want to be the first to welcome the class of 2010 to GW – we’re glad to have you. I can hardly wait to meet y’all face to face; you look like such a cool group of kids. The only reason I know this, of course, is because many of you have already set up your profiles, and everyone knows that having a witty profile accompanied with a sexy or hilarious photo is the only way you’ll ever make friends and hook up with people at this school.

Actually, that’s not true – but it certainly won’t hurt your efforts. I’m sure many of you are already making new friends through some of your cool new Facebook groups, like “CLASS OF 2010 . WE PARTY HARD!!!” I’ve also noticed the existence of separate groups for each Colonial Inauguration session. Isn’t that sweet – to think that you can get to know your class before even meeting them, but base it mostly on pictures of them getting drunk at prom a few months ago.

There are stereotypes that people sometimes apply to any incoming freshman class, and I thought it might be good if I just told you what a couple of them are. This way, you can determine what kind of classmates surround you and what kind of freshman you are while you’re participating in those fun ice breakers with the Colonial Cabinet.

Most of you are pretty cultured and experienced already, having done “adult things” in high school like going to clubs, having sex and drinking alcohol – lots of it in some cases. But how about your new roommate from that small town in the middle of nowhere who has lived a sheltered life up until this point?

Interestingly, these kids turn out to be some of the wildest individuals you’ll ever meet. For the first time in their life, the leash binding them to their protective parents has been severed, and they are now free to make their own decisions. Suddenly, they’re extremely thirsty to party and get wasted. Soon enough they wake up one morning at dawn passed out at the feet of Abraham Lincoln at his memorial with a hangover the size of his balls.

Then you get the kids who come to college and discover marijuana for the first time. These people are easy to spot because they are often found around the campus at 7-11 at three in the morning, eating Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked cookie dough ice cream straight out of the pint while waiting in line at the register and giggling at the graphics on the Slurpee machine.

You also have your political junkies – you know, the kids who can give you more spin about politics than any of the talking heads on cable news. Many of them have already worked on the campaign trail, or even on Capitol Hill. They will often have very strong opinions one way or the other, and will sometimes write pretentious, know-it-all columns about foreign policy in The Hatchet. Other times you might find them debating the proper campaign strategy for the Democrats at a college party, trying to emulate the now-defunct CNN show “Crossfire” in the middle of a loud townhouse filled with intoxicated youths.

As you begin to make new friends this week, try to have a good time, even if some of it may seem a little corny at times. You have to give it up for the Colonial Cabinet. They’ve sacrificed a ton of time and effort in preparing for your orientation, even if they do look like fools most of the time. They also get to watch the laser light show five times.

You might find that the kids you hang out with at CI are your new best friends for the rest of college. However, it’s likely that you won’t really see some of your CI buds again, and you’ll meet entirely different people after moving into your new dorm room in Thurston Hall.

Regardless, you should still try to meet as many people as possible, even if the friendship doesn’t go any further than having them on Facebook to make you look popular. It’s not like you have anything to lose – well, except maybe for your virginity.

-The writer, a junior majoring in journalism and music, is a Hatchet humor columnist. He is hoping to befriend as many incoming freshmen on Facebook as possible, so add him as your friend NOW!

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