Brendan Polmer: To the class of 2006

Can you believe it? You’re done. Finished. I am so jealous of you – it’s ridiculous. Words alone cannot describe how envious I am of your accomplishments thus far.

Do you remember when you were in my shoes? A sophomore, just finishing the spring semester, halfway there.

Is it true what they say? That every year, every semester, goes by faster and faster? Does that mean that by the time I graduate, I will look back on my four years at GW and say to myself, “Damn! What happened!?”

Do you remember all the nonsense you had to put up with when you were me? For those of you who studied abroad, do you remember having to get hundreds of signatures for your course approval sheets? Or how about all your registration woes? How many times in your GW career did you have to wake up at 7 a.m., only to find out that most of the classes you planned on taking were already full?

How many quizzes did you fail? How many absences did you fake?

Do you remember your first alcohol violation?

Remember that time when you got your test back, and you wanted to punch the professor in the face for being so sneaky and conniving in his wording of the questions or grading of answers?

Do you remember when you thought you were in love? Do you remember how it felt to be “sexiled?” How about how awesome it felt to be the one doing the “sexiling?”

How about that one class you were dreading? You know, the required class that ended up being a huge hurdle in your ultimate plan for graduation? For me, that class is Introduction to Statistics in a Social Science – also known as STAT 053.

“Statistics is so easy!” people tell me, but I am not a number person. When I get the check at a restaurant, I have to add the tip up by counting on my fingers. It’s actually kind of pathetic, but I have a phobia of numbers. They scare me to death, and they don’t make any sense in my brain. This is why I was forced to withdraw from STAT 053 mid-semester. After all, it’s better to take a W on your transcript than an F, right?

So as you get ready to walk across the stage and accept your diploma, with thoughts of upcoming jobs and new environments in your minds, I will be getting ready to go to my night class to make up for STAT 053. Oh, man – I am not looking forward to this at all!

For those left-brained business and economics majors, statistics and engineering majors, do you remember how painful it was to take your English requirements? Perhaps you know what I’m feeling right now.

I want to be you so badly! Let me graduate already, jeez!

But at the same time, you must be jealous of me too, right? College is the best time of anyone’s life. I can still go to college parties, whereas when you show up, you’ll just be the creepy older guy trying to fit in. When you try to binge drink on the weekends, people will look at you and shake their heads saying, “Oh, you poor alcoholic.” When I drink heavily, those people will just say, “Woo! Yea! This kid likes to party! College!”

Above all else, I’m proud of you. I’ve watched you grow up since you were a junior! My, how you’ve grown.

If you leave GW without remembering anything thing you learned, you’ve wasted a ton of your parents’ (or GW’s) money. No matter what you do, always remember that you’re only as smart as your GPA says you are.

Actually, that’s a lie, because let’s face it – statistics can be a bitch.

-The writer, a sophomore majoring in journalism and music, is a Hatchet humor columnist. More than anything, he is just bitter that he can’t pass statistics, much less do simple arithmetic in his head.

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