There’s no good way to do this.
I’d need 100 pages to explain how and why I came to embody The Hatchet. I just want to say a few things.
I am immensely proud of the achievements of the people who have worked at 2140 G St. these past four years. We’ve had a few lapses and errors, but even our biggest detractors cannot disparage our record of accomplishment.
I do not regret any decision I’ve made, though I may have said I regretted something just to appease whomever I offended. I always put The Hatchet’s interests in front of personal considerations, and every decision I made here reflected those priorities.
I will never have a job more enjoyable than the ones I had at 2140 G St. But there’s been a lot of bad stuff, and these past few months I’ve been looking forward to leaving. I’m tired of coming home crying, tired of losing sleep to Hatchet-related worries, tired of sacrificing everything for this paper. It’s time for me to cry, lose sleep and sacrifice everything to something else. And I think I know what that something else is.
I just want to thank all the people who have had to put up with me. It’s no easy task.
Stepan, Silva and Beth – I miss the days when women ruled 2140 G St.
Kingsbury – What can I say, I learned from the best.
Mosheh – Thanks, for your advice – half of which I couldn’t understand since you talk so fast – and for being a constant source of amusement. As a news editor I tried my best to emulate you.
Snow – I learned a lot from you. Not journalism, but the phrase “You’re phone’s blowing up like Hiroshima” and that you can call a girl a “moped.”
Jules – If it weren’t for our meeting in a certain store in the Village before my freshman year, I probably would’ve never been hired as the freshman crime reporter.
Jenny – God, Jenny. I’m not going to pretend I knew you well, or why you killed yourself. I do know that you were a beautiful person, and that I will be thinking of you on May 21, when we were supposed to graduate together.
Costa – I’ll never forget that smile. To your great credit, you didn’t fire me. And even though I didn’t listen to half of it, your advice definitely made me a better writer.
Siegel – Nice guys don’t finish last.
Stoneman – The best magician/accordion player/silly Web site proprietor/newspaper designer/public speaker/New York Times source I know. I hope I can one day tell my grandchildren that I saw the president of the United States irreparably twist a metal fork.
Will – I will miss our sparring, especially since I was right most of the time. But seriously, you’ve got a good head on you, and I won’t be surprised when the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved and you’re on the Palestinian – ahem, American – negotiating team.
Stager – We’ve come a long way from JSA summer of 2001. And yet that fading navy blue shirt is still in my regular rotation.
Sam – Definitely, with Howie, The Hatchet’s MVP this year. After you graduate, please don’t putz around in foreign countries. Join a daily newspaper. Don’t let your gift go to waste.
Ceasar – You do so much here, and yet you’re underutilized. You have a great hybrid: talent, enthusiasm and a thirst for learning new things. And yet the Dems still won’t win in ’08.
Gabe – I’m glad you decided to come back.
Erin – I hope you step up next year as much as you did this past year.
Mo-ra and BP – Terrific job with the arts section this year. I hope your run-ins with unwelcome creatures (the hairy centipede and hairy rat, respectively) are over.
Butler – Your enthusiasm alone will take you very far. Funny, I never felt like I was wasting my Saturday mornings editing Student Association articles with you.
Rooney – I still remember your first article – on Pulitzer Prize winners speaking at the National Press Club – and my making you get quotes at Provisions during Hurricane Isabel. It’s been heartening to see you mature as a writer these past three years.
Gross – Stretch, you’ve done the same damn thing for three years without complaint. That says a lot about your commitment and character.
Spector – I greatly enjoyed living vicariously through you this year. In addition to your sexual prowess, I also wish you let me vicariously have your natural-born leadership abilities. They could have come in handy.
Dr. Brown – You showed me that you don’t have to be mean to get things done. Take care of my good friend Steven.
Caitlin – You make my decision to hire you back in March 2004 look better every day. You’ll be a great EIC so long as you don’t take too much crap.
Ryan – You’ve done a lot more for me than I’ve done for you. I hope one day to make up the debt. We’ve had a lot of laughs together, but it’s hard to pick out the funniest thing that’s happened. I guess there’s always the freshman who had to take a cab home from Quigley’s.
Heins – Whenever I needed reminding that I had no authority over anyone, you were there to give me a “dead ass,” “ball tap” or put a horseshoe-shaped bike lock around my neck. I expect you to do the same things to Caitlin.
Jake – Do less boasting and spend more time on writing and editing, and you’ll be one of the most successful journalists to ever graduate from The Hatchet. That’s how much faith I have in you. ILYJSS.
Scott and the business office – You guys stepped up huge this year, though I didn’t expect anything less, considering your abilities. Thanks for putting up with my non-sequitur mumblings and frequent trips to the bathroom.
Howie – If it weren’t for you, The Hatchet would’ve foundered this year, easily. You’ll miss me, you’ll see.
The new Hatcheteers (Solomon, Wozobski, Gingold, Claire, Cannon, Kates, Kaitlyn, Calefati, Joanna) – One of the country’s best papers will be safe in your hands.
Jenn – I’m sure we’ll be living in the same city again. We’ll always have Phantom Planet.
Nicole – Watch out for those garbage cans, they tend to jump in front of you when you’re drunk.
Kaitlin Jessica Bell – You redeemed my life and made me a better person.
Mom, Dad – Your never-fail support is my greatest asset. I must be driving you guys crazy. I won’t let you down, promise.
-The writer is moving to the one place in the country that’s always red on those color-coded weather maps.