Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
One of President Bush’s myriad causes for war in Iraq finally panned out after the now-occupied country’s infamous weapons of mass destruction surfaced Wednesday afternoon at GW’s package center.
Long thought to be hidden in Iraqi bunkers or terrorist encampments in Syria, the WMDs were traced back to Baghdad, where they left via FedEx to get to Foggy Bottom. Pentagon officials said that Saddam’s intelligence service learned of the world-renowned incompetence of the GW mail center and shipped the weapons out just prior to the arrival of UN weapons inspectors, knowing it would take years to find the weapons in the mail room.
The Bush administration is claiming this find as a key victory in winning the hearts and minds of “all the unpatriotic souls” who ever doubted anything the president has ever said.
“This is a great day for freedom in this world,” Bush said sporting a UPS jumpsuit, standing atop a delivery truck in front of the package center. “All the freedom-lovers should feel relieved that they’ve been on the right side of this fight against the evil-doers all along.
Bush added during a tour of the facility, “Lookie here at this dirty bomb next to some girl’s missing iPod box. That’s evidence, you see, of the evil-doers.”
University officials were unsure how 25 tons of biological, chemical and radioactive agents managed to get lost inside the package depot for nearly three years.
“Reliable package storage and routing is of paramount concern to the professionally trained mailroom staff at this university,” Naysayer Hagatha wrote in a statement that took three weeks to prepare. “The delay with Mr. Hussein’s packages was due to a glitch with the confirmation e-mails. Apparently, his CMail inbox became full, and he didn’t have Internet access in the spider-hole. We are working to remediate this.”