Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
GW Vice President Bab Cherney accidentally shot and wounded a wealthy donor of the University in the face during a hippopotamus hunting trip along the Potomac Saturday afternoon.
After 45 minutes on hold with Undersized Penis officers, an EMeRG vehicle was dispatched, and two sophomores with CPR certification shoved the body of the donor, Rick Ducks, into the trunk.
“Rick is being treated by the country’s best physicians right here at GW Hospital, where he is expected to have as full a recovery as someone who was shot in the face can have,” GW spokeswoman Terry Schiavo said, adding that Ducks got “peppered pretty good.”
The administrator and donor traveled to Great Falls National Park earlier that day driving to the park 14 miles upriver from Washington. The park is internationally known among zoologists and bored Jewish higher education executives as a breeding ground for hippopotami.
Although Schiavo said that no alcohol was involved in the accidental shooting, a UPD officer wishing to remain anonymous said he saw a bottle of Bacardi Razz near the scene of the incident.
“It’s always been a joke around the headquarters that Cherney likes that girly crap,” the officer said. “I bet the V.P. was drunker than some Thurston ho on the way to Lulu’s.”