April Fools’ Issue: U.S. Postal Service sues the Sunday Mail

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Citing malicious defamation, the United States Postal Service announced Tuesday that they would be taking legal steps to force a GW-based band, The Sunday Mail, to change its name.

“Due to a heinously irresponsible title, this band has convinced what we believe to be millions of unsuspecting citizens that their mail service should continue through the entire weekend,” said Rod Bakker, a USPS spokesman. He called the estimate of those affected “conservative,” and said that hundreds, if not thousands, of complaints had been filed with the agency.

The Sunday Mail has long been suspected of holding ties to the PLF (Postal Liberation Front), whose credo includes a provision for the instatement of seven-day mail service – which their Web site claims to be “the intent of our great nation’s founders” – but the band has avoided any formal connection to the group.

“Whether it’s a coincidence or if they’re taking a stand, the end result is the same – and their choice has sent our nation into chaos,” Bakker said.

Also included in the lawsuit is the band The Postal Service, whose songs have been overplayed by mindless wannabe hipsters ever since its inclusion in the Garden State soundtrack. They are being sued by the USPS for appropriation.

None of the members of the Sunday Mail could be reached for comment, and officials from GW said that all three are currently “studying abroad.”

“Studying? More like treasoning,” said Audrey Hamilton, director of Patriots for Postage, a fundamentalist mail-rights group. “They should be tried for disgracing our nation’s most honored institution. That is, if they ever come back.”

Bakker reported that the USPS has already planned a massive marketing campaign to counter the rumors of Sunday delivery, but fears it may be too late. “I just hope we can get the message out before the riots start,” he said.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.