April Fools’ Issue: Student sues school after being barred for explosive diarrhea

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

A former student has filed a lawsuit against the University, arguing that GW violated his civil rights when it expelled him from school and barred him from campus because he suffered from a case of explosive diarrhea.

In court documents obtained from the D.C. Superior Court, the former student, named Jason Untied, outlines the chronology of events leading to his dismissal. He said that in fall 2004, he went to sessions at the University Counseling Center to discuss the stressful effects the diarrhea he was having on his life. One night, in the midst of a particularly vile attack, Untied checked himself into GW Hospital for treatment.

But the next day, while sitting on the toilet in his hospital room, he received letters from Dean of Students Lightda Candles and Assistant Dean of Students Rebekkah Soiler.

University spokesperson Terry Schiavo defended the school’s use of the “endangering behavior policy,” arguing that Untied’s diarrhea posed a direct threat to the comfort of his roommates, classmates and everyone within a five-mile radius of campus.

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