April Fools’ Issue: Student finds rat

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The following is a true story. Read on if you have a strong stomach.

zeeks: ok so i’m hungry, so i decide to order from Philadelphia Pizza Company

zeeks: when the pizza guy came, he put the case that keeps the pizzas inside warm on top the front desk – he gives me my receipt to sign, and as I’m about to sign he opens up the plastic flap – and then he screams and he jumps back

zeeks: and i look up like “what the fuck” – and i look down and a HUGE FUCKING SUBWAY RAT is on the floor, running around the lobby of JBKO

zeeks: then it runs into the mail room and hides in a corner

zeeks: this thing was bigger than a Subway 6″ sandwhich

kojakluva: it fell OUT of the box!?!?!?!

zeeks: and I’m screaming at this poor delivery guy who doesn’t even speak english like, “DID A FUCKING RAT JUST COME OUT OF MY FUCKING PIZZA!??’

zeeks: His was all wide-eyed – he couldn’t believe it either

zeeks: “I’M NOT GIVING YOU A FUCKING DIME!”

kojakluva: holy shit

zeeks: i made him call the store

kojakluva: DID YOU SEE IT FALL OUT OF THE BOX

zeeks: and he was talking in really fast arabic and then the word “RAT” and then more really fast arabic

kojakluva: that is so fucking nasty

zeeks: its hair was all mangled and fucked up

kojakluva: how the hell do you roll with that shit around in your sack and not know anything

zeeks: i told him to get the fuck out

zeeks: AND THEN UPD CAME!

zeeks: and the poor CH is standing on top of her chair in utter fright

zeeks: and we’re like, “OK – you’re not gonna believe this – but i just ordered a pizza, and when the delivery guy opened the pizza box, a HUGE RAT

fell out and ran into the mailroom

zeeks: we pointed to where the rat was – and he went and saw it and was like “oh, damn. That shit

was in your pizza!?”

kojakluva: ahaha omg

kojakluva: HAHAHA

zeeks: and I’m like “yea! isn’t that fucked up!”

zeeks: and he’s like “you should sue! no, seriously!”

kojakluva: did he kill it?

zeeks: yea

zeeks: he said he needed something to kill it with

kojakluva: hahaha you should have made the delivery guy kill it

zeeks: and he grabbed the tall plastic garbage can and starting smashing it against the wall – spraying RAT GUTS all over the fucking mailboxes hahaha it was all bloody and shit.

kojakluva: are you serious

zeeks: and then he was like “this isn’t working. I need something harder”

kojakluva: this is just too much

zeeks: so we grabbed him a metal “slippery when wet” sign

kojakluva: no way

zeeks: and he did the final rat slaughter witht that

zeeks: then he put it back into the trash can, tied the bag closed, and then left it there

zeeks: about 10 people saw this whole episode unfold as they were coming in and out of the dorm

kojakluva: i would have hurrrled everywhere

zeeks: no i was so pissed at him because not only did the rat ruin my food, but I was now STARVING

kojakluva: HAHAHA

zeeks: and i would have to wait another 40 minutes for something else

zeeks: so i was like “YOU FUCKING LEAVE AND TELL YOUR BOSS ABOUT THIS – I’M

CALLING THE FUCKING HEALTH DEPARTMENT – A FUCKING SUBWAY RAT- THATS JUST

ABSURD…”

zeeks: and then I called Philadelphia Pizza

kojakluva: reemed the shit out of them

zeeks: and they were like “Philly Pizza can you hold please?” and I was like “NO I CAN’T FUCKING HOLD. GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER”

zeeks: and I was like “ARE YOU THE MANAGER? I JUST HAD A FUCKING RAT COME OUT

OF MY PIZZA”

zeeks: and he’s like “i am shocked – we are one of the cleanest resturants in Georgetown – we don’t have..”

zeeks: “NO YOU’RE FUCKING NOT!”

zeeks: AND all of this was happening during “24” so i missed like 15 minutes of crucial plot development

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