April Fools’ Issue: Store sells students’ shit

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

CLLC has just announced plans to open a revenue-generating business, tentatively called Random Shit that Your Daddy Already Paid For, which will feature a variety of halogen lamps and scented candles.

Random Shit is set to open at the end of the semester, but at least for now, it is off-limits to students due to the contraband nature of its merchandise.

“Right now we’re only carrying the lighting materials,” said Community Spying and Surveillance Center Director Big Weiner. “But I see potential for expanding our merchandise.”

Weiner said Random Shit may soon feature lighters, George Foreman grills, weapons, drugs and alcohol, and iPod Nanos.

“All of those items are distractions and fire hazards, and they do not belong in our safe, secure and entirely celibate residence halls,” Weiner explained.

Since learning about the contraband store, students have cried out and made frantic phone calls home complaining about the repossessed property. The newest student organization on campus, Students Tailgating Against Nimrods and Dimwits, Too, better known as STAND-2, has spoken out against CSSC and is planning to storm the store and reclaim the purloined products on behalf of the student body.

Weiner seems unfazed by the threats of student protests and ordered a health and safety inspector to beef up their efforts. Weiner has now permitted the school’s ass-whupping thugs to break and enter into dorms at all hours of the day and night, instead of just business hours. The GW BitchSlap has also learned that Weiner is encouraging inspectors to enter dorms at peak hours including “early mornings, late evenings, whenever female residents are bathing, whenever male residents are jacking off, and 4:20 p.m.”

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