April Fools’ Issue: Staff Editorial: Name your price: cash-money bitches!

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The “we’re right, you’re stupid” board is perennially derided for negativity in editorials. In response, the board has decided to offer positive editorials for sale. If you can meet the price, we can throw journalistic ethics out the window and spin the truth in your direction.

Potential Editorial: Everything is great in the Student Association
Price: The entire Student Association budget (approximately $500,000)

Potential Editorial: CLLC proves competence with amazing housing selection
Price: A two-bedroom apartment in Columbia Plaza for every board member, plus the maids from Thurston to clean up for free every week.

Potential Editorial: Snarl Sobbs a cool, calm model of composure
Price: Season floor seats in the Smith Center, along with a pair of earplugs.

Potential Editorial: Square 54 development plans benefit students, community and everyone in D.C. metro area
Price: New BitchSlap office space incorporated into Square 54 development plans.

Potential Editorial: GW compassionate toward depressed students
Price: Lifetime supply of Xanax and study drugs (Adderall, Ritalin or Concerta)

Potential Editorial: Trachtenbucks balances academics, business and student interests perfectly
Price: Free. We fucking love this guy.

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