April Fools’ Issue: Sobbs to coach deaf university

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

After a remarkable season at GW, it was no surprise that head coach Snarl Sobbs would be sought after by some of the larger programs in the country. With phone calls from NCAA powerhouses Indiana, Cincinnati, Missouri and Seton Hall, it was a surprise when Hobbs deflected them all. Instead, Coach Sobbs signed a silent agreement to scream his ass off at Gallaudet University, the Washington, D.C., school for the deaf.

Coach Sobbs, who rebuilt the GW basketball program to its current height, says he is up for the challenge to coach at Gallaudet.

“If you want peace and quiet, this is the place to go,” Hobbs said of the university. “I really just want to hear myself talk. That’s the main objective.”

Known for questionable recruiting practices, Sobbs is going to have to pull all of the strings he can to get Gallaudet on the map. In fact, after two weeks of coaching, he is already under scrutiny for pulling in a 6’11” forward from Baltimore that supposedly is not deaf.

“His sign language skills are not up to par with the other students, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t deaf,” said Athletic Director Clad Flower, former incompetent director of basketball operations at GW. In fact, Sobbs is attempting to acquire GW player Ronald McDonald, who also is unable to listen, and is expected to fit in nicely at Gallaudet.

Sneaky recruiting is not the only problem the head coach will face at his new job. Sobbs is known for his constant jumping, screaming, whistling and stomping, all of which will be for naught at Gallaudet. If you think you have seen Sobbs frustrated when GW scored 28 points in the first half against Duke, then I suggest you step into a Gallaudet practice. Gallaudet fans fear that it will only be a matter of time until Sobbs resorts to violence. “How else am I going to get my point across? If they don’t rebound, then fingers will break. Necks will be squeezed. I will make them hear me loud and clear,” Hobbs said in a recent interview.

With all of the potential hazards at his new job, Sobbs is optimistic that he will succeed. One factor Sobbs has on his side is that Gallaudet is the toughest place to play in the country. The gym, at its capacity, is completely quiet. The silence is deafening, and even the best players come into Gallaudet intimidated. Think the Smith Center is tough to play in? Think again.

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