April Fools’ Issue: Scientologists buy Square 54

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Members of the Church of Scientology have purchased Square 54, the former site of the old GW Hospital, in honor of their religion’s founder, GW alumnus L. Ron Hubbard, University officials announced Wednesday.

The spot was chosen for a new headquarters because of its proximity to the campus where Hubbard, a former editor at this illustrious publication, studied and wrote many of the tenets of the religion of hundreds of batshit crazy celebrities.

“We’re immensely pleased to have the connection to this space where Ron used to attend school,” said Johnny Heins, a seventh-level operating thetan and Scientology spokesman. “We know that the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard will soon be within all of the students of GW – as deeply within them as the spirits of Xenu continu-. er, I mean, we’re very pleased to have this wonderful opportunity.”

GW students will also begin to notice a few changes around campus. Celebrity followers of the religion, such as the unbe-fucking-lievably crazy Tom Cruise and fianc?e Katie Holmes, and the notoriously unbalanced John Travolta, are excited to contribute to the palatial headquarters that the religion’s top officials are planning.

Scientologists will be adding new GW amenities, such as fortified couches in public spaces for more convenient couch-jumping fits, and financing a Katie Holmes Maternity Ward in the GW Hospital. Each residence hall will have a purification chamber, where newly converted Scientologists can cleanse their minds in order to rise to the next level of thetan, and reflect on some made-up bullshit about aliens.

Campus televisions will no longer get Comedy Central, now that scientologist Isaac Hayes, who played Chef on the popular show “South Park,” quit because of religious discrimination. In the channel’s place will be the film “Battlefield Earth” playing on continuous rotation.

New courses, such as Dianetics, The Science Fiction Novels of Hubbard and Travolta, Cruise, and Holmes: A Movie History, will be offered.

“We very much look forward to building the center, where thousands of Scientologists can gather in the nation’s capital and form the intergalactic army of Xenu once the mothership gives us the command,” Heins said. “No – um . I mean – we are looking forward to taking advantage of all the GW community has to offer.”

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