April Fool’s Issue: Report: $JT didn’t graduate high school

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks never graduated from high school – and his credentials from middle school and elementary school are also dubious – according to an in-depth investigation that determined he only received a diploma after paying off school officials.

Trachtenbucks spent seven years attending 14 different high schools in Southeast D.C. before ultimately getting his diploma at How to Rob Students Through Tuition High School, which isn’t even accredited, according to city documents. One of the schools he attended – Loving Christians High – burned down mysteriously after he was there for just three days. Ironically, after hitting it big time at GW, Trachtenbucks bought the former school’s land and turned it into a Starbucks that has made him millions.

Trachtenbucks said that since burning down the school still didn’t get him a diploma, he decided to take a more logical approach and offer his high school principal at How to Rob Students Through Tuition a bribe. He said he paid his principal $1.5 million – which is about the same amount of money Trachtenbucks gets for his annual salary at GW – for his diploma.

Upon learning that Trachtenbucks essentially paid for his degree, his wife – Francis Ford Trachtenbucks – said she wasn’t exactly that surprised.

“I always knew I was the smarter one in the relationship,” Francis said, noting that she has a doctorate degree and her husband doesn’t.

Others had a stronger reaction to the findings that the leader of the world-class institution could be so uneducated.

“I was embarrassed,” GW basketball star Shomar Fillyums, a senior and member of the dean’s list (yeah, right), said. “SEVEN YEARS!? I mean, how hard is it to graduate high school? I’m curious how he would do if he had to try to pass my sociology classes.”

Fillyums said that he planned to forward this newspaper’s findings to the Board of Crustees in hopes that it will review their process of hiring University presidents. Coach Snarl Sobbs defended Trachtenbucks and said that everyone deserves an opportunity to get out of “da hood” and become a university president.

He said, “He went to school in Southeast for God’s sake. Forget graduating. I’m impressed that the white boy didn’t get shot after seven years.”

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