Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Whoa, what’s going on? Did you just see that guy? He just blew by me like he was Jesse Owens running down the Metro escalator. There’s not even a train here yet, so what’s your rush? The lights aren’t even blinking or anything.

Oh Christ, of course you have a Blackberry. You would. I guess that’s what was so important that you had to shove me and that old lady out of your way on the escalator. You needed as much time as possible to peck out a worthless e-mail to your office to brag about how great you’re doing in the March Madness pool or something. I have half a mind to throw your damn Blackberry onto the tracks and hope you follow it down there.

Whatever, here’s the train. Dude! You’re supposed to let people off before you get on! What, you’re too important to follow basic etiquette? Well if you’re so goddamn important, why the hell are you taking the Metro? In this city real important people travel in motorcades.

Could you be any more obnoxious? Oh God, you have one of those blinky light Bluetooth wireless headset thingys. Please, please, please don’t call anyone . shit there you go. We’re underground; think you could take a goddamn break from your pathetic life for just a few minutes? I hate those headsets; now I can’t tell the crazy people from jackasses like you. Wow, do you have to talk so loud? If you and your calls are so important do you really want to share it with an entire Metro car? We’re all happy to know the girl you met last night couldn’t get enough of you, I hope she gave your worthless ass an STD.

Man, could you suck any more at life? Wait, there you go. You just sat down in an empty seat before an old woman could get to it. And now you’re taking up the whole damn thing and pretending like you don’t see the old woman. I hope there’s a special place in hell for you people with your goddamn headsets and Blackberrys. You know what? You’re an asshole.