April Fools’ Issue: NSA, CFs team up to bust students

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The BitchSlap has learned that President Bush has authorized GW’s commanding fascists to utilize the National Security Agency’s resources to conduct surveillance on students.

Big Weiner, director of the Community Spying and Surveillance Center, released a statement from his lair in Fulbright Hall, defending the program that involved eavesdropping on students’ phone calls.

“If people are going to be talking about marijuana, we oughta know about it,” Weiner, who has the worst job on campus, said.

Members of the University administration said they have bigger things to worry about than legalities of spying, like the negative coverage the GW basketball team has received in The Washington Post.

When asked for comment by the Bitchslap about the surveillance program, University President Stealing Your Trachtenbucks seemed unphased. “You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to be secretary of education in a few years,” Trachtenbucks said. “Let the next guy figure it out.”

Among the “terror plots” the CFs were able to uncover by utilizing NSA technology was a plan by freshmen living in HOVA to pay the homeless man living on Virginia Avenue to buy liquor for them at the Watergate building.

The spying program has also led to the seizure of more than five tons of marijuana, Adderrall and cocaine from Thrustin’ Hall.

Students were in an uproar upon learning the details of the surveillance program.

“This is unbelievable. Nobody should be able to access my personal information like this,” said freshman Turd Ferguson, who according to facebook.com lives in Thurston Hall room 212, attended James Garner High School in Nassau County, will take anything he can get and is a fan of Modest Mouse.

GW law professor and media whore John Handsoff said he plans on bitching about the situation and suing somebody, but he hasn’t figured out who he is going to sue yet.

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