Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Fans of “Full House” and anorexia were aflutter this week when former child star and current skeletal celebutante Mary Kate Olsen paid a visit to the District.
Olsen arrived on Tuesday to lobby on behalf of Operation Gi-normous Sunglasses, an advocacy group devoted to bringing retina protection to third-world children. Last week Olsen was named spokeswoman for the Los Angeles-based nonprofit, beating out Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan.
“Children in developing countries should have the same rights I do, including the right to hide their bloodshot, coked-out pupils from the public. Plus, it’s really sunny in sub-Saharan Africa,” said Olsen, who recently returned from a fact-finding mission to Zimbabwe with first daughter Barbara Bush.
Olsen met with congressional leaders to urge a two-fold increase in foreign aid shipments of gi-normous sunglasses by fiscal year 2008.
However, some Washington insiders think Olsen’s visit is about more than just foreign aid.
“This is part of a Hollywood plot to overrun K Street with overexposed celebrities and put us hard-working lobbyists out of work,” said Abram Jackoff, a prominent D.C. lobbyist and lover of fedora hats. “Last month we had Jessica Simpson lobbying Congress, and before that it was Brad and Angelina. What’s next, Oprah Winfrey becomes the new Interior Department secretary? It’s ridiculous. Wait, that was off the record – you can’t quote that! Oh god – Oprah, please don’t have me killed!”
After her meetings on Capitol Hill, Olsen went to the State Department to discuss human rights abuses in rural China, where an estimated 150 million children live without access to gi-normous sunglasses.
The meeting ended abruptly when paparazzi swarmed the building. However, Olsen ingeniously eluded the aggressive photographers by hiding between the gap in Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s front teeth.
Olsen’s visit caused further disruption on Wednesday when her presence in Lafayette Park prompted an evacuation of the White House.
“We saw what we thought was a suspicious package and took appropriate action,” said Secret Service agent Michael Schnozz. “Turns out it was just Mary Kate Olsen in one of her Hefty bag outfits.”
After being released from Secret Service custody, Olsen headlined a panel discussion at the National Press Club titled, “The Olsen Twins Curse: Mary Kate and Ashley’s Chilling Effect on Co-Stars’ Careers.”
The event gathered scholars from the US Weekly/ABC Family Joint Center for Olsen Twins Studies to discuss the scores of actors whose careers have imploded shortly after co-starring with the sibling duo.
“For actors, the Olsen twins are like the third rail of show business,” explained professor Joseph Stillavirgin. “Touch them and your career dies.”
He cited several actors as victims of the curse, including “Full House” co-star Dave Coulier.
“After delighting audiences as Joey Gladstone for eight seasons, Coulier’s career nosedived when the show ended in 1995. In less than a year, he went from being loveable Uncle Joey to Alanis Morissette’s date rapist from that overplayed song,” said Stillavirgin.
The curse also extends to Olsen twins movies, Stillavirgin argued.
“After ‘It Takes Two,’ Mary Kate and Ashley’s fame and fortune soared,” he said. “But since that 1996 classic, the only thing that soared for co-star Kirstie Alley was her dress size.
“And then there’s Steve Guttenberg. His promising career came to a crashing halt after that film. What heights might he have reached if he never met the Olsens? The world will never know.”
Olsen was quiet throughout most of the event, except when attention turned to former “Full House” co-star Jodie Sweetin, aka Stephanie Tanner, who recently admitted to hiding a crystal meth addiction.
“Bitch, please. I would never have anything to do with Jodie’s drug choice – everyone knows you lose so much more weight with coke,” Olsen said.
The doe-eyed millionaire ended her two-day tour of Washington with dinner on Wednesday night at the Old Ebbitt Grill, where she was spotted dining on Red Bull and Wal-Mart child labor contracts with Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who dined on kittens and Terri Schiavo’s blood.