April Fools’ Issue: I’m on Adderall right now… again

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Sunday, 7:15 p.m.

I swore I’d stop taking Adderall.

I was sick of overdrive digestion, sick of the shakes, sick of lying awake analyzing the aesthetic merits of “serifs” versus “sans-serif” font.

I thought I’d never live down the experience of having my family practitioner show me lab results that said I shouldn’t have felt the need to stick cotton swabs in my ears and blurt out RuPaul knock-knock jokes. Damn GW business students – showing me how to fake attention deficit disorder for $20.

My dealer’s ego was outta control – just because he went from being the sixth grader who chased squirrels on school field trips to the most popular kid in college.

I doubt the makers of Adderall anticipated how well their drug would work to help socially backward teens, or that they could make baby chem a prescription gateway drug. If only Professor Martine knew the how much damage his class had done to my jaw.

Then again, all those A’s looked pretty sweet on my transcript. I wouldn’t mind another one in Music in the Western World. Perhaps I should call the former squirrel chaser

Sunday, 9:30 p.m.

Yo, these Bach beats are off the hook! I just reverse transcribed a “Scherzo,” and when you tap it backwards on your temple it sounds just like this one Deep Dish track.

I gotta pee.

That librarian just scowled at me when I did the run-walk combo back to my desk.

I think I should write my essay in geometric shapes. Cuz it’s like, Bach’s mind is telekineticizing my fingers. Plus, I’ve already practiced by carving rasterized images of Mozart into my desk.

Shit! I don’t know anything about German history! Except for stuff about Nazis or whatever. I’d better get a book and chew another pill.

Arf! Just checked out six books on the McNulty dog show. The long-haired Dachshunds look nice, but I really think they should part their fur a little further to the left. I’ll e-mail The Scottish Dachsund Club to let them know.

Monday, 5 a.m.

Energy draining – already overwhelmed servers on Dog Show blogs. Gosh, those Pomeranians sure are interesting! I wonder what it would look like if they crossed a Pomeranian with a squirrel? They should try that.

Oh my god. No more pills, and I’m only on lecture two.

That’s it. I’m licking the bag.

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