Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
A half-year after Hurricane Katrina’s devastation in the Gulf, a new disaster has taken the country by storm, this time striking the nation’s capital.
Hurricane Shaniqua struck Washington over the weekend, causing the Potomac River to overflow, reaching GW’s campus early Sunday morning. In a stark departure from Katrina’s aftermath, those hardest hit by the D.C. storm were young, rich, white Jewish GW students.
GW’s overwhelmingly wealthy and white student body fled their devastated residence halls and took shelter in the Smith Center, filling the arena to levels not seen for any sporting event. A palpable sense of panic has gripped the streets, where 20-year-old girls from Northern Jersey were seen wading through the water while holding their designer purses safely in the air.
University Police Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead instituted a campus-wide curfew from 6 p.m. to 9 a.m. and has officers rafting through Foggy Bottom to keep law and order. Despite more than half of her staff fleeing the area, she is confident that campus security will be maintained.
“I have been very pleased with the overall cooperation of all the students who’ve lost their homes,” Mullethead said. “Crime has been at a minimum, well, with the exception of the 15 campus Starbucks being looted, as well as some guys nailing each other in the Marvin Center bathroom because our police are busy elsewhere.”
University President Stealin Your Trachtenbucks made national headlines when, following the hurricane’s landfall on campus, he proclaimed that GW would be a “vanilla” campus once again.
But many critics of the GW administration have blamed Trachtenbucks for not preventing the Potomac’s overflow.
“First they wouldn’t let a student on the Board of Crusties, now they’ve dropped the ball again by allowing the rain to affect the river level,” said SA Executive Vice President Corr’upt. “President Trachtenberg is probably off in his mansion putting his cash into a water-tight safe while the students are fighting like animals for food from Manouch’s hotdog dinghy.”