April Fools’ Issue: GW: You need to get FUCKED

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

This school needs to get fucked.

That’s right. You are uptight. You need to loosen up a little. I know what you need. You need to get fucked.

We all know that you haven’t been fucked in a while. Maybe you took too many poli sci classes about Israel this semester, worked as a slave-laborer on the Hill or just spent too much time trying to find the best pair of Uggs to match your weird skin-tight pants and sorority sweatshirt. You just haven’t had a lot of time to get fucked lately and, believe me, it’s starting to show.

I saw you on your way to class last week. You were so high-strung that you yelled at Old Man Schenley for having a tan. If you don’t get fucked soon, there may even be more serious adverse side effects.

People who don’t get fucked are likely to run for Stickupyourass Association seats, pay for plastic wrist bands to gain entry to their own home basketball games, work as commanding fascists or, in the worst cases, apply to be petty administration followers.

People who don’t get fucked have also been known to sanction theft and stealing inspections in the residence halls, go on wild construction and development binges around campus and accuse the student media of being racist.

So what’s the best way to avoid all of these problems and just get fucked? It really depends on who you are.

If you are in a fraternity and have a lot of money, the best way to get fucked is to roll out to a club on Thursday night, throw down a few hundred dollars to buy what is normally a $25 bottle of Vodka and wait at your table for the girls to come. This will work for members of on-campus fraternities such as Sexual Predators Expected and even off-campus fraternities such as Gorillas or Bobby.

If you are a girl who is into fraternity guys, even if your sorority was disbanded, you can still easily get fucked. All you have to do is hang out at one of these tables at a club, go to a fraternity house, go to class, eat in J Street or pretty much just continue to exist at GW. I’m sure you’ll get fucked.

Not into the Greek-letter scene? You can still get fucked, and there are a few great strategies. If you are a marginally attractive girl, wear a GW jersey and wait around at the Smut Center for a little while – just be ready to take the jersey off later. You might also consider working in the Stickupyourass Association bureaucracy. Now there’s a way to get fucked and get ahead in student politics at the same time.

Guys not into the Greek-letter scene are a little trickier. While you may be a fairly nice person, it’s more likely that you are probably poor, grotesque, gay or a combination of all three. If you are gay, you shouldn’t have a problem anyway as anonymous male-on-male bathroom sex is available around the clock in Martian Center bathrooms.

When nothing else works, there is always Thrustin’ Hall, a place where modesty, virginity and sobriety are checked at the door – along with your GWorld, of course. At Thrustin’, anything goes, but usually because both parties involved spent the entire night consuming a $6 bottle of vodka and know they won’t remember anything that they do. In the off chance that someone does remember a Thrustin’ hook-up, they will just pretend like they don’t – a win-win situation.

If you are a member of the administration, chances are you were also once a student at GW and worked your way up to where you are today. It’s also likely that you didn’t get fucked when you were an undergraduate here, so if you haven’t figured it out by now, just give up. Or, at least shave that disgusting beard.

Regardless of how you get fucked, just do it. Masturbation just isn’t enough, and your time at GW is short. You might as well get fucked as much as possible before you have to enter the “real world,” where people have standards and morals.

>-The writer, who is a real dog, does not need to get fucked.

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