Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
After decades of terrorist attacks from the Dying Geezers Association, GW completed its unilateral disengagement from the Western Strip of campus Wednesday morning. Later that day, University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks fell into a coma on the way back to campus from a bank.
Prior to his incapacitation, Trachtenbucks had worked hard on the withdrawal from the western edge of campus – the site of the greatest number of terrorist attacks. During the second uprising in 2000, DGA radicals stepped up their intense terror campaign, gaining new technologies and replacing old-fashioned walker bombings with the far more terrifying and lethal electric wheelchair bombs.
West Strip residents, especially those in the Hall on Virginia Avenue, have lived in a state of terror from roadside wheelchair bombings coupled with the grimacing stares of the extremist senior citizens.
“Living in constant fear has really hurt my sex life,” lamented freshman Rich Metrosexualberg. “Walking back and forth from ABP to my home in the West Strip, I wonder if I’m passing just another old fart or a potential terrorist.”
To protect the students from the DGA radicals, the Undersized Penis Department has distributed special protective gear. Officers have handed out more than 300 Northface bulletproof vests and special designer eyewear that that is big enough to protect 90 percent of the face from shrapnel.
The idea for the withdrawal policy arose after longtime DGA dictator Dystrophy Mauler died in 2004 at the age of 97 from gonorrhea. Seeing no legitimate authority that had the power to stop the wheelchair bombings, Trachtenbucks decided to give up HOVA in the interests of peace.
Trachtenbucks called in UPD Special Forces last week to forcibly expel the defiant residents. The officers used water cannons mounted atop EMeRG vehicles to subdue protesters and blasted country music to force the last remaining settlers out of the war-stricken region.
Just hours after UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said the withdrawal had successfully ended, Trachtenbucks was found lying face down on the sidewalk of 21st and I streets. He was rushed to GW Hospital, where a spokesman said the 67-year-old was “stable but not responsive.”
Physicians said that Trachtenbucks entered a sugar-induced coma after consuming more than 40 Wendy’s Frosties in a 24-hour period. Assuming the president’s duties at the University is Executive Vice Cash-hoarder Louie “Scooter” Biznatch, who said his first act in office will be to increase tuition by $5,000 to foot Trachtenbucks’ stomach-pumping bills.
