Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

GW is going to the Final Four the only way its budget-conscious administrators know how: it bought George Mason University Wednesday, only a few days ahead of the Patriots’ Final Four game against Florida.

University officials figured that the Colonials would never make it past the Sweet 16 on their own and needed a boost from the Patriots, who weren’t even supposed to get in this year’s tournament.

“It’s a supply and demand thing,” Executive Vice Cash-hoarder Louie “Scooter” Biznatch said. “The students are demanding a Final Four appearance, and George Mason has the supply.”

Next year’s team, the Patrionials, will be an amalgam of the two basketball squads.

-Bathroom Trawler