April Fools’ Issue: Grads to walk at Pentagon City Mall

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

University administrators announced Wednesday that due to the construction of an irrigation system by the National Parks Service, May’s Commencement ceremony will be moved from the National Mall to Pentagon City Mall.

The Monumental Celebration, an annual party for graduating seniors, will also have to be moved from Union Station to the Greyhound Bus Station down the street, due to budget constraints.

RocktheMike Radioman, the University’s vice president of shameless institutional promotion, said he thinks that although some may consider a commercial shopping center an unusual choice for a graduation ceremony, students should look forward to a unique Commencement experience.

“It’s a very pretty site,” Radioman said. “Behind the main stage will be the Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, and on the other side is the Johnny Rockets.”

“By the way,” Radioman added, “did you know Marvin Kalb was the last reporter personally hired by Edward R. Murrow at CBS?”

Originally, GW had planned on having Commencement on the Ellipse. Then it moved the ceremony to the National Mall. Then GW thought about moving it back to the Ellipse. Then it stuck with the Mall. But one thing is for sure: Commencement will definitely be held in Pentagon City Mall.

Former President George H.W. Bush, who had been slated to deliver the Commencement address this year, will not be able to attend the ceremony due to a scheduling conflict, a spokesman said. Radioman said that students should not fret and will still be able to hear from another Washington power player – albeit an obscure one – Barbara Hackman Franklin, who served for 11 months as Bush’s secretary of commerce.

Seniors did not react positively to news that Commencement would be moved once again.

“For what I pay to go to school, I should be able to walk across a stage set up in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House,,” said a kid sporting a blazer. “My dad is a lawyer in Boston’s biggest law firm. The National Mall is getting so sued.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.