April Fools’ Issue: Endangered species found in SJT beard

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Reports confirm that an endangered species, the Singapore roundleaf horseshoe bat, has been found nesting in University President Stealin Your Trachtenbucks’ thick, white Jew-beard.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services offered Trachtenbucks $1.50, a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney or a mink coat for every animal from an endangered species he permits to nestle in his face. Being a member of the Tribe, he took the $1.50 an animal.

“Well, considering the Board of Crusties nixed the idea of using my beard for extra campus housing, I thought I’d make a buck somehow,” Trachtenbucks said.

The initial discovery of SJT’s beard-guests came as somewhat of a surprise; it happened when he was relaxing at his estate, watching the hippos roam in the Potomac and methodically stroking his beard while contemplating how to ruin another family financially by increasing tuition.

At first, he assumed the bat simply marked the return of a life-long lice battle. Yet when night fell and the animal became active, SJT called in a team of top-notch researchers. Georgetown University professors arrived the next morning and claimed the discovery in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Countless lawsuits against the Pope later, SJT retained custody of his precious bat, which has now sired an entire family. Now, SJT plans to charge researchers for access to both the beard and the bats.

SJT also plans to encourage the bats to breed, and will pit them against a hippopotamus for a battle of mascot supremacy.

Of course, this is not the first time Trachtenbucks has played host to a bloodsucking species – he permits Colonial Cabinet members to live on campus for free in the summer, and during the 1960s, Trachtenbucks housed a fleet of Mexican long-nosed bats in his Jew-fro, which has since receded.

RocktheMike Radioman, University vice president for shameless institutional promotion, said the housing of the animals in Trachtenbuck’s beard was a no-brainer.

“We’re always looking for unique hosting opportunities – and those animals are much better behaved than those D-bags on ‘Crossfire,'” Radioman said. “By the way, did you know Marvin Kalb was the last person personally hired by Edward R. Murrow at CBS? Oh, I said that already?”

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