April Fools’ Issue: Deans, like cows, leave for greener pastures

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

In an unsurprising turn of events Wednesday, nearly all GW deans left their posts at the University’s various schools to take more lucrative positions at other universities.

Among those who resigned their posts were interim deans of the Columbian College of Arts and Sciences and the interim director of the School of Media and Public Affairs – putting University administrators in the unusual situation of having to appoint interim interim deans.

While in the last three years deans of four GW schools have left their positions, Wednesday almost all deans at the school suddenly quit their jobs, choosing to move on to greener pastures. University President and beard-grower extraordinaire Stealin Your Trachtenbucks was alerted of the news, and was warned that he shouldn’t try to quit, too.

Because the ranks of GW’s finest have now been stretched so thin by wave after wave of resignations, the University is now in the process of appointing both adjunct faculty members and petty administration followers – students who kiss ass in exchange for free graduate school – to the highest echelons of bureaucracy.

Also among the administrators who will rise to the top is Dean Hardwood, former director of Greek affairs. Hardwood was promoted to the new position of dean of deans and will be responsible for overseeing the transition of so much new personnel. New Dean of Deans Dean Hardwood will begin his position by the end of April, Trachtenbucks said in a release Wednesday.

Trachtenbucks had interesting words to say about the mass resignations.

“The NCAA selection committee and The Washington Post are biased organizations,” Trachtenbucks said of the situation. “If we had been any other seed than eight, we would be in the Final Four right now.”

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