April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

We can’t make this shit up.

Every Thursday The Bitchslap publishes the Crime Log, which documents incidents on campus reported to University Police during the previous week. Some of them are pretty funny. All of these are true entries – we can’t even make this shit up.

Unlawful Entry

11/24 – Munson Hall – 10:41 p.m. – case closed
UPD received a call about two suspicious people in the dormitory. When officers arrived on the scene they found a male and female with a baby inside one of the dorm rooms. When officers first tried to enter the room the two inside quickly shut the door. They later told police that they were looking for a tissue and exited the building on their own, refusing to stop and talk to officers. UPD officers pursued the two as far as the Foggy Bottom Metro station, and after being questioned they said that they had no explanation for why they were in the building. Nothing was reported missing.
Subjects barred from campus

Simple Assault

10/28 – Hensley Hall (Mount Vernon Campus) – case closed
A male student reported to UPD that his intoxicated roommate jumped on him while he was sleeping and hit him on the back of the head several times. The next morning he told officers that he had a headache and felt woozy. He independently sought out medical attention.
Referred to Student Judicial Services

Disorderly Conduct

9/4 – 2100 block of G Street – 12:34 a.m. – case closed
UPD officers observed two individuals riding in a Safeway grocery cart down G Street. They were stopped and identified as GW students.

Referred to SJS
-list compiled by Kateroni

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