April Fools’ Issue: Club Gelman to install $15 cover charge

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Aspiring to make it the city’s hottest social spot, Club Gelman managers instituted a new $15 cover charge at the door as well as a dress code prohibiting any clothing other than club attire.

The result: nothing’s changed. Attendance has not slackened and those inconsiderate assholes on their phones in the fourth floor hallway are as annoying as ever.

Managers say the $15 per student will be used for improving the ambience of “Club G,” where GW socialites often complain of the bleak academic motif of most rooms. Plans include transforming each floor into a room with its own theme with music and d?cor. Room names suggested so far include “H Street” and “Tequila Stacks.” Private parties will also be able to reserve the spaces formerly used as group study rooms for table service.

Many upperclassmen male students view the change as a great aid to their pursuit of freshmen girls.

“It will be so easy now to bring drunk girls back to my room after Club G,” senior Matt Wannagetsome said. “It’s just around the corner!”

Also, few have complained about the new dress requirements, which were put in place to encourage the already-frequent mini skirts, popped collars and gaudy jewelry at Club Gelman.

“The dress code does not really affect me since I wear my jean skirt and Uggs (to Club Gelman) anyway,” freshman Jenny Slutman said.

Despite efforts by a student committee to thwart rising socialization in the building, University President Stealin Your Trachtenbucks agrees that the new changes will provide a more lucrative purpose for the building.

“The University must keep up with the city’s rising markets,” Trachtenbucks said. “The $15 charge should serve as a more economical option to students who pay $20 and upward at other night clubs.”

Officials are still contemplating whether or not members of the GW men’s basketball team will be allowed to enter, given past incidents of violence with bouncers at other D.C. nightclubs. Members of the George Mason University basketball team, however, will be given free entry.

GW has also received complaints from the Dying Geezers Association, a local community group, due to the increased student debauchery that the new Club G may engender. However, officials dismissed these concerns due to the DGA’s continual opposition to anything and everything.

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