Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Thursday

Counseling center depression session
Feeling blue? Come hang with the counseling center and share your secrets – we promise we won’t snitch … honest!
Time: 4:20 p.m.
Location: Woodhull House, 2033 G St.
Sponsored by the University Police Department, Student Judicial Services

Friday

CLLC inspections
Hide your lamp – and your soul!
Time: Any time creating an awkward situation – probably when you’re in the shower or getting laid
Location: Your overpriced dorm room
Sponsored by Pawn One and the GW Bookstore

Anyday

Make Thurston #1!
Disheartened by the news that Thurston never had the title of second-most sexually active dorm in the country? Help make it number one! Just remember to pull out in time and not let your friends know you fucked that fat bitch from across the hall.
Time: Any damn time you please – but remember to leave time to snuggle.
Sponsored by Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance, Voices for Choices and the Foggy Bottom masturbator