Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

If you have $5

You have just enough money to take a metro ride into the heart of Southeast and come back, possibly. An entertaining day in D.C.’s lesser-known quadrant can include such exciting activities as gang shootouts, drug dealing and a variety of interesting architecture. Just make sure to bring your 9-milly so you can join in the fun.

If you have $10

Your best bet this weekend is to order a couple copies of “Girls Gone Wild.” Two videos are $9.99. The upside: violent masturbation is cheaper than a date, and at least you know there is a 100 percent chance of getting laid.

If you have $20

Pool your cash with six other friends and hook yourselves up with a half-ounce of sweet bud. An all night smoke-fest is always fun but you might need more than $20 when the munchies kick in. And freshmen, towel the fucking doors in Thurston!