Sex Issue: Chick and Dick

This story is part of The GW Hatchet’s 2006 Life Section Sex Issue.

They’re baaaack – and STD-free.

We’ve tracked down The Hatchet’s straight-talking sex advice columnists Chick and Dick from years’ past. After a year-and-a-half hiatus, they’re back for one issue to give their signature raunchy takes on everyday college student sex queries.

Getting it up – how to not make it even more of a letdown

Chick:

There are only two groups of college men who can excusably let their dogs play dead with the ladies: virgins and the belligerently intoxicated. Maybe we can include those on anti-depressants, but I generally don’t deal with guys toting that kind of baggage.

Virginity and alcohol may provide an excuse for a lack of performance, but there’s not much a girl can do to make this situation less awkward. Maybe refrain from the “rising to the occasion” puns, which are about as lame as his cock at the moment.

Truthfully, the real humiliation will come during the aftermath when he’ll never be able to get laid again by any of her friends – they’ll all know you as “The Guy Who Can’t Get It Up.” And if she’s in a sorority, you’re really screwed.

If the beer has gone straight to your pants, chances are the girl in your bed is tanked, leaving you with two risky options. Maybe she won’t remember, sparing you a college career free of sexual humiliation. Or, claim virginity and blame it on nerves. It took my first boyfriend three tries to finish when we lost our virginity to each other. He’s also now openly gay, so it may have just been me.

But who said you have to have sex? If you can’t get up, go down. Nothing beats oral sex, especially when you mind the clit. Now if you can’t even do that right, you’re either orgasmically challenged or my last boyfriend.

Dick:

If you can’t get it up then you need to drink less whiskey. There is no excuse that really works, so you might as well go for broke and be funny. You have got to figure that if you are naked in bed and you can’t get it up, you are of little use to her. All she can do is appreciate your personality, and you might as well just be friends. And no one wants that. If your problem is coming too early, the situation is lost, but at least you got your rocks off.

Being premature happens, it’s unfortunate, but it’s much better than not getting it up and it’s also better than not being able to come at all. That can be very frustrating and girls get all worked up about finishing with head. But sometimes among alcohol, condoms and a cooter, you could throw a car down – it’s just not going to happen.

Being premature is definitely preferable because at least you can say it’s just because she’s hot and tight and wet, and any other compliment you can come up with before rolling over and passing out.

A friend’s ex – fair game or out of bounds?

Chick:

In the movie “Mean Girls,” Gretchen Weiner once said, “Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that’s just like the rules of feminism.” Fortunately, every word that comes from Gretchen’s mouth in this movie is supposed to sound mildly retarded.

What ignorant slut spread this rumor that you can’t go for a friend’s ex-boyfriend? They’re definitely game. Your friend may want to kill you/pray you catch chlamydia, but weigh the cost-benefit. Maybe they were wrong for each other, and you two are each other’s soulmates. OK, chances are slim, but if you really do like each other, be mature and tell your friend/his ex-girlfriend. She’ll still probably call you a “fugly slut” and “Trotsky byotch” behind your back, but she’ll be nice to your face because of your honesty.

And guys – a little insight into la femme mystique. If you get with one of your ex-girlfriend’s (or ex-hookup’s) friends, you will never be the prime target of her estrogen-fueled wrath. She’ll probably hope your balls get gangrene and fall off, but your ex will be sticking pins in a voodoo doll of her man-stealing friend – the “fugly slut.” On your way to the bedroom, be sure to thank the Gretchen Weiners of the world for spreading the new rules of feminism.

Dick:

Well, as far as I’m concerned, sharing is caring. If you have a good group of friends, then there should be nothing wrong with playing by NFL rules. Each chunk of time, you get to designate one person as a franchise player – meaning the person is untouchable.

Other than that, free agency is a bitch. Honestly, though, who wants to hook up with their friend’s ex? You are basically admitting you don’t mind crossing swords with him.

Also if he is a good ex, then he so thoroughly ruined her life that there is nothing left worth the time it would take. Now, if it’s just a girl that’s been used by your group like a doorknob, then that can be a lot of fun. First off, it can save a lot of time. Some good intel can make sure that you can move to the warm and wet parts a lot quicker.

Also, it’s awesome for the stories when a girl has a “special move” that she does on everyone, especially if she leaves one of your friends out and it’s something a little off-beat like a finger in the two-hole.

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